My Perfect Disaster
by Littleoldmeeeee
Summary: Remus Lupin is used to the bullying, but death threats are something else entirely. With his life slowly spiralling out of control, he doesn't belive anyone will ever love someone like him - especially not someone like the gorgeous Sirius Black.. :-) Wolfstar :-D TRIGGER WARNINGS: SELF HARM!
1. Chapter 1

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

Thank you so much for your reviews on _When We Became I_ guys. It really means a lot, and I love you all :3

So this is my new story. I'm really not sure about it, and I don't know if it's worth continuing, what do guys think? Also, I'm sorry if I offend anyone.. please review and let me know what you think :-) I apologise for any mistakes :-)

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

I let the knife drop from my shaking hands. Blood was trickling down my wrists towards my fingers. In a twisted way, it was beautiful. The crimson liquid forced its way over my old scars, some of them now so old, they had faded to white. I counted the stripes today - five of them. Cut in neat lines like a ladder down my forearm. It was my perfect disaster.

There was suddenly movement outside the door of the second-floor bathroom, and I forced myself to my knees, realising my free period must have ended. I reached for my wand, careful not to allow any blood to stain my robes, and waved it carelessly. The scarlet liquid vanished, leaving only the fresh scars and the numerous old mutilations.

Scars like these littered my entire body, like a crazy jigsaw.

Some of them were from my transformations, when I scratched myself and clawed at my flesh to make the pain stop. Many of them were from the pen-knife I was now slipping in to the pocket of my robes.

I cleaned the wounds carefully, and sealed them enough to stop the blood flowing. I rolled down my sleeves, straightened my tie and pushed myself in to a standing position, before exiting the cubicle. The bathroom was deserted - not even Myrtle was hanging around, which I was grateful for.

I moved towards the sink and forced myself to glance at my reflection in the cracked mirror whilst I washed the blood away. My thin face was pale, with an unhealthy grey tinge, and there were deep circles around my eyes. The worry lines had deepened even more, and, maybe it was just the light, but I could have sworn there were grey hairs in my dark brown hair. I was sixteen, but I looked much older and completely shattered.

Sometimes I wondered what I had done to deserve this. Being shunned by everyone who knew my terrible secret, being treated like the word that I knew I was, even though James and Sirius had forbidden me from referring to myself as one - a freak. It was the truth, even if they didn't want to hear it. I was a danger to everyone, and I didn't deserve to be alive, let alone to have such supportive friends - James, Lily, Peter, and of course, Sirius. The only guy I had ever truly loved. Not that he would love me in return though, firstly he was straighter than a ruler, and secondly, people like me didn't deserve to be loved.

I took a deep breath, stepping out of the bathroom and colliding hard with Severus Snape. He was taller than me, meaning I stumbled backwards over his leg and fell hard on to the flagstones. Snape started to laugh, then gave a squeal as he was flipped upside-down in mid-air.

Sighing, I forced myself to my feet. "Put him down, Sirius," I said quietly.

"I don't need your help, you disgusting freak!" Severus screamed.

Sirius raised the wand again and flicked it upwards. Severus crashed in to the wall, and slid down. It would have been comical if what he had called me didn't hurt so much. Because Severus knew - he knew what I was. And he had every reason to hate me for it; I had nearly killed him, so I couldn't blame him, not really.

Sirius was now standing over Severus, who looked dazed and angry. "Which hex shall I use on him, Remus?" he called.

"Stop it!" I cried, forcing myself between them.

"He tripped you! And then he called you a..a..well, that word.." Sirius said, his eyes burning with hate.

"Yeah, like I haven't heard it every day of my life before. Come on, people are staring," I grabbed his arm and attempted to drag him away. It was true, the commotion had attracted clusters of Hogwarts students, mainly third-years. It would only be a matter of time before a teacher followed.

"You can't seriously expect me to just walk away?" Sirius said incredulously.

"Come on! I can fight my own battles!"

We both hesitated. We both knew it wasn't true. I was tiny and I hated violence- probably because of my transformations, and I was an easy target. But Sirius simply looked in to my eyes. I tried not to focus on how silvery his were, like molten moonlight, and how they could see straight in to my soul. He gave a small nod, shot a last venomous look at Severus, who was still slumped on the floor, and allowed me to drag him out of the corridor, pushing through the throngs of students.

Sirius pulled me to a stop when we were outside our Transfiguration class. He took my arm and looked carefully at my face. Even though his fingers were rubbing against the fresh cuts I had made, it still sent a thrill of pleasure through me.

"Are you okay?" he asked me softly.

I nodded, forcing a smile. For a brief moment I wanted to tell him everything, to reveal my scars. But I didn't want him to realise I was even weaker than he already thought. "I'm fine." He raised an eyebrow. "Honestly." I added.

He hesitated, still disbelieving. "Good.." he said eventually. "Because you're amazing Remus..don't ever forget it."

He pulled me in to a hug, and then suddenly he had disappeared in to the classroom.

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**Author's Note:** Please, please, please review! Thank you for reading :-) xox


	2. Chapter 2

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

Thank you so, so, so much to **pigs103**, **Venetia5**, **Dani** and **Hopeful Rays** for taking the time to follow/review/favourite - you've made me so happy, thank you so much! You're all wonderful, beautiful people :3

So, this chapter picks up where the first one left off, there's no self-harm in this chapter, but you get to meet Lily, James and Peter :-D I apologise if there are mistakes :-)

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Sirius Black**

Remus entered the room only a few moments after I had taken my seat next to James. Professor McGonagall reprimanded him for being late, but only lightly - she had a soft spot for Remus, we all did.

I glanced across to where he had slipped in to his usual seat between Peter, who was on the other side of James, and Lily Evans, who immediately started chatting to him enthusiastically, her face lighting up like a thousand candles. She was gorgeous with her flawless, pale skin and long, fiery hair, I could totally see why James was crushing on her. Peter was trying to muscle in on their conversation, but it was a lost cause. Even the friendship I had with James couldn't rival Remus and Lily's relationship. She had been his best friend since day one, and they had grown even closer when he came out as gay in the Third Year. Lily was one of maybe twenty people who knew he was a werewolf.

My gaze drifted across to Remus. He was pale and he'd lost weight; he looked ill, and somehow even smaller than usual. I guess it wasn't surprising with the full moon having only been three days before. But his smile still lit up his entire face, the kind of smile you automatically responded to.

He didn't show any signs of being bothered by what Snivellus had called him. Then again, he never did. He was always so reserved and quiet you'd never know something was wrong until he tried to rip himself to shreds during his transformations - that always killed me inside. That on the outside, he had a strong, loving, _amazing_ personality, he was the kind of person you instantly liked, but on the inside, he was full of self-loathing. I just wished he could see himself for the incredible person he was.

Suddenly, James elbowed me hard in the ribs. I turned to glare at him, but his eyes were flickering between me and the front of the room, an expression I recognised only too well. Sure enough, as I turned to face the front of the classroom-

"Now that you've graced us with your full attention, Mr Black, perhaps you could demonstrate the spell I asked all of you to practise after last lesson?" McGonagall was standing right in front of my desk, eyes glinting dangerously.

Last lesson...hell, I could barely remember what I'd had for breakfast this morning, let alone what I'd been taught two days ago. Breakfast...hmm, it had been something containing bacon I was sure. _Stop getting distracted_, I told myself angrily, glancing along the row. Normally, I wouldn't even try, but McGonagall was different, I felt there was a sort of mutual respect between us, which was why I didn't want to let her down. Someone please help me.

Remus was mouthing something at me. Berks? Birth? _Birds._

Of course. "_Avis!_" I called triumphantly, waving my wand carelessly. Three blue birds were suddenly fluttering above our heads.

I smirked as McGonagall rolled her eyes, but I knew she was pleased. "Thank you, Mr Black. and thank you Mr Lupin for actually paying attention last lesson."

I grinned happily at Remus, who was blushing and staring at the desk - you could always rely on Moony.

McGonagall then split us in to groups to work on the spell, but since James and I had mastered it in Fifth Year, the rest of the lesson was basically pointless. Especially since James seemed to be in an especially bad mood today.

"Come on Prongs, what's up?" I asked, after several unsuccessful attempts at starting a conversation.

"Nothing," he snapped, not even looking at me.

I stared at him. He had been fine at break, when we'd been planning our next prank - a particularly fantastic one involving Snape, some Quidditch goalposts and plenty of humiliation. Suddenly I remembered why I'd left early - to find Remus - and anger started boiling inside me as I remembered what had happened.

"James, I caught Snape bullying Moony again," I said in a low voice, so that Remus and Lily, who were smiling and laughing at the flock of yellow birds soaring around them, wouldn't hear us. I quickly filled him in, and within seconds, his eyes were smouldering with anger.

"That little shit is so dead."

I nodded in agreement, it was like he had read my mind...

* * *

**James Potter**

Lunch in the Great Hall was always rowdy, and today was no exception. Sirius, Remus, Peter and I slipped in to some of the only remaining seats at the Gryffindor table. I watched as Lily met up with Mary MacDonald and some of her other friends a little way down - Sirius immediately left us to go and chat up Ellen Durin, a willowy blonde with a face like a fox. Peter shuffled after him, though he had as much chance as the buck-toothed First Year boy sat next to the girls, practically drooling.

I sighed, and turned back to the others, to find Moony watching me.

"What?" I said, more rudely than I had intended.

"What did you do this time?" he asked gently, looking at me seriously.

I knew immediately he was talking about Lily - the pair of them told each other everything. "Why would you assume it was me?!"

He raised an eyebrow. "She did tell me..I just thought I'd hear your side before I tell you you're an idiot."

"Fair enough," I mumbled. It was always me, I always managed to ruin it with Lily. Most recently, at break in fact, we were actually managing to have a conversation without arguing, and I had happened to mention a boy I had seen her talking to. Her expression had changed immediately - _"I'm not your property, James Potter, don't even try and tell me who I can talk to."_ Looking back, I knew it sounded jealous and petty, like some over-protective, wannabe boyfriend, but I couldn't help myself - she was so gorgeous that every time I saw her, my mouth seemed to start functioning separately from my brain.

Remus sighed and leaned towards me. "Listen, she doesn't want to keep arguing with you either. Can you please just think before you speak?"

"I try, it's just that-"

"So here's what you're going to do. You're going to apologise to her for sounding jealous. I know, I know," he talked over my protesting. "You didn't mean it, you don't apologise, I've heard it before James, but if you don't you're going to lose her. She's not exactly lacking admirers, is she?" I shook my head slowly, it was true - I'd even caught Snivellus trying to chat her up a couple of times, it was pitiful. Remus continued, "so, then you're going to invite her to Hogsmeade with us before Christmas - you're going to invite her, not tell her. And then you're going to have a normal conversation with her. Not wind her up, or argue with her, or tease her. Understood?"

I nodded. It may have sounded bossy to someone who didn't know Remus like I did, but I knew he was the best person to talk to about problems. He understood people, he didn't judge you, unless it was to look for the best in you.

"Thanks," I said quietly, and he smiled back immediately. "So what about you?" I asked . "Sirius told me about Snivellus...you all right?"

His smile faded to be replaced with a frown. "Don't call him that...I'm fine," he said, not meeting my eye.

"Moony.."

"I said I'm fine." His expression made it clear the conversation was over.

Just then, Lily came over. "Hey, Potter, you might want to control your mate." Sirius and Ellen seemed to be glued together with a permanent sticking charm. Peter was gaping at them in astonishment. _How does he do that?_ I asked myself in wonder, before realising Remus was staring meaningfully at me.

"It's not up to me to decide who people get to talk to," I said, smiling at her.

She blinked in surprise, then smiled hesitantly back. "Um, good...come on Remus," she said, still smiling. "You said you'd help me with that Charms essay?"

Remus nodded and winked at me as he left. _Thank God for Remus Lupin_, I thought as he walked away with Lily. _There may be hope for us yet, Lily._ Grinning like an idiot, I got up and walked towards Sirius and Ellen, who had still not surfaced for air.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, I know it sucked...I'm sorry, I re-wrote this chapter about ten times, and I still don't like it, but please, please review! I love hearing what you think, so please let me know :-) Thank you for reading! :-) xox


	3. Chapter 3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

I can't believe you guys like this story, I hardly ever like anything I write! It really means a lot, and I love you all for taking the time to review, etc.

There may be a gap between this update and the next, because I have my orals coming up, so I need to revise, but I'll try and get one chapter out at least every week :-) If you have any questions/advice, please feel free to PM me, or tweet me - ** Littleoldme_xox **:-) I'm sorry if there are mistakes please review! :-)

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

Oh, and much love for **TechNomaNcer28** and **Thrae Elddim **for your reviews, thank you - I really appreciate it! :-)

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

Eight days. That was exactly how long it had been since Sirius had told me I was amazing. It was all that had sustained me over the last week through the trip-ups, the spiteful remarks and the threatening glares that told me that even though Lucius had left now, his influence still remained.

I had hoped that his reign of terror would end when he left Hogwarts, but the fresh cuts on my arms told another story. Lucius had always had it in for me - even before I came out - but after I had, the bullying had only got even worse. To make matters even worse, Lucius had been one of Snape's only friends, so whenever James and Sirius pulled a prank on Snape, Lucius would make sure his gang took it out on me - not that I had ever told them that, pranking was what they did best, and I wasn't worth it to stop.

The Incident last year had made things worse. When I had almost killed Snape, it had hammered in the fact that all I was a monster. A monster who didn't deserve to live. As Lucius was constantly reminding me. Lucius was one of a handful of people who knew what I was. He was constantly reminding me that he could expose me at any time if I ever told about the bullying, or if I attacked Snape, which was why I was forced to let him do whatever he wanted to me. Even if that included beating me in to unconsciousness. Then again, however badly he treated me, it was nothing to what I did to myself.

My self-harming hadn't started as a coping mechanism. It had started the year before I came to Hogwarts, when I was only ten years old, and I already hated myself. The other children wouldn't play with me; their parents told them to stay away.

So I began cutting.

There was something strangely magical about watching the blood trickling down my wrists, as though, for a short time at least, all the hurt and pain was flowing out of me. And the way the droplets beaded and glistened was so, so beautiful, like tiny rubies on a spider's web. It was the only part of me that could look beautiful - the rest of my body was mutilated by my own scratching and biting. The only thing that ruined it was the fact that I _needed_ to cut, which scared me more than even my transformations - the way the pressure would build up inside me when I couldn't, and the way I doubted I could stop if I tried.

Shivering, I touched my hip, running my fingers over the slight ridges in my skin, the ones I had carved there following The Incident. I was usually so careful, but that night had been dangerous. I had carved the word_ disaster_ along my hip bone - a word that summed up my entire life. I could still remember the blood pouring out, the adrenaline more real than ever before, the panic when my vision had started to blur; I had cut deep that night.

Now, I tried to minimise the amount of damage I did to myself - a maximum of two a week. The most frustrating thing was that anything could trigger me. A vicious comment, a shove in to the wall on my way to lessons. Usually it was seeing Sirius making out with a new, stunning but naive girl. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to persuade myself that I had no chance whatsoever with him - he was straight, why couldn't I just accept that and move on?

I knew it was because, as much as his actions could trigger me, they also saved me. His quick smile, his boisterous laugh, that twinkle in his silver-grey eyes, they made me feel so ridiculously happy, that they could banish any negativity I was feeling the second he walked in to the room.

I was so lost in these thoughts as I was carrying out my Prefect rounds, that I didn't notice the crowd of Seventh Year Slytherins moving towards me down the corridor.

At least, not until a face-full of sloppy green slime caught me across the cheek.

I stumbled backwards, feeling the goo trickle down my neck. I choked out "ten points from Slytherin," but really, what was the point? These were Lucius' disciples - they weren't the kind of people who cared about losing House Points any more than getting detentions. They simply laughed in my face and carried on walking, leaving me dripping wet. _Just my luck_, I thought bitterly, struggling to wipe some of it out of my hair, as I rounded the last corner. _You would run in to the only people in the school who hate you._

Lily had already finished her rounds, and was lounging against the wall, talking casually to another Sixth Year, a tall, attractive Ravenclaw boy with eyes the exact colour of Felix Felicius.

Finley O' Brien. He was always friendly towards me, and he often went out of his way to talk to me, which always surprised me - he was a popular, Quidditch-star, and he was gay. However, I knew if he realised what I was, he'd abandon me in an instant.

I forced a smile as I approached them, knowing how this must look. Not that it was the first time I had been attacked whilst doing Prefect duties.

Lily glanced at me, and then her face changed, a mixture of anger and pity blazing in her vivid green eyes. "Not again, Remus," she whispered softly, drawing out her wand and waving it carelessly. The slime vanished, and I shuddered. "Thanks," I said softly.

"Who did that to you?!" Finley demanded angrily, drawing out his wand too.

"Woaah, slow down, tiger," Lily said quickly, putting her hand on Finley's arm. "Let me handle this. Who the hell did this and where are they so I can whoop their arses?" she said angrily.

"Guys.. I'm fine, it was just a joke... No-one got hurt. Let's go."

They exchanged a look. Rolling my eyes, I walked past them, knowing if I told them the truth, they would hugely overreact. Lily appeared on my left after a few steps, and Finley on my right. "You would tell us though, if there was something wrong, wouldn't you Remus?" Finley asked earnestly.

"Of course," I said, smiling at him.

His expression broke in to a relieved grin, but Lily didn't look so convinced. I nudged her gently, "race you back to Gryffindor Common Room?"

Her face lit up. "You're so gonna lose!" she said, laughing, tossing her red hair over her shoulder and sprinting off.

"Hey, no fair!" I yelled, streaking after her. She was fast, but I knew more shortcuts than she could ever guess. I ducked under a suit of armour, following a path that came out behind a tapestry on the flight of stairs beneath the Common Room. I cut right across her path and made it to the Fat Lady before she had even reached the corridor.

"You cheated!" she gasped, leaning against me as she tried to get her breath back. We glanced at each other, and then burst out laughing. It was hard to believe we were both almost seventeen. Her expression suddenly became serious. "Don't ever change for anyone, Remus," she said softly, hugging me tightly.

"You neither," I said, squeezing her back.

"Um, by the way, James asked me to Hogsmeade this after-" She stopped herself quickly as Finley came jogging up behind us.

"_There_ you are!" he said, beaming at me. Lily muttered something and disappeared in to the Common Room, swinging the Fat Lady shut behind her.

"Um, I wanted to talk to you, Remus." Finley stepped carefully towards me, nervously pushing his fair hair out of his eyes.

"Um, okay..?" I said cautiously.

"I was um..I wanted to know if...Would you be up for..um.." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened them again. It was as though he was nervous, but it was just me. "Would you go to Hogsmeade with me next week?"

I blinked in surprise. "Me?! I..Oh, wow...um.." _Oh nice one Remus, make him think you're a spluttering idiot,_ I told myself angrily. "I'd..er, I'd like that... thanks."

His face lit up. "Really?! Awesome! I, er, well, I guess I'll see you around then." He moved towards me as though he was going to hug me, but then at that exact moment, Sirius' head poked out of the door, and we both jumped away from each other in shock.

"What's going on out here then?" he said, looking coldly from Finley's embarrassed smile to my flushed face.

"Nothing," I said, pushing past him. "G'night, Finley."

I caught his reply, as the door swung shut again. Sirius waited for me to face him before saying anything. "So, what the hell was that?" he demanded.

I glared at him. "_That_ was your best friend being asked out, before you came along and ruined it!" I yelled angrily, not caring that half the Common Room had gone quiet, and was now staring in our direction.

"What?! Well, how was I supposed to know that?!.. Wait, he asked you out, what did you say?" Sirius was now looking awkward and slightly annoyed.

"I said yes, not that it's any of your business! Why do you have to be so nosy?!" I glowered at him, before pushing through the Second Years standing on the stairs and staring at us, up to our dormitory. I knew I wasn't really angry at Sirius for interrupting, I was angry because I had wanted it to be Sirius who asked me, but that only made the urge to cut even stronger.

I flung myself on the bed, reaching for my knife under my mattress, but my hand closed around a piece of paper instead. Confused, I pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment, scrunched in to a ball.

I made to open it, but Sirius entered the room at that moment, so I shoved it in to my pocket.

"Remus, look. I'm sorry," he began.

"Don't bother."

"No, wait. Just listen for a minute. You have a point, I have no right to interrupt your personal life, and I'm sorry for the way I treated him. But I was worried about you, Moony, the last time you didn't come back to the Common Room, I found you unconscious and-"

"I know." I said, leaning against the four-poster bed. "And I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you. But it won't happen again."

The time we were both referring to was when he'd found me on a staircase, covered in blood after a prank from Lucius' gang. Since then, he, James and Pete had insisted on walking to places with me, like a guard.

"I hope not," Sirius said quietly. "Because I can't find you like that again. I just..can't.." His voice broke, and to my surprise, there were tears leaking out of those beautiful stormy eyes.

"Hey.." I slipped my arms around him, and held him tightly. "I'm fine! And...I promise it won't happen again."

* * *

**Sirius Black**

I buried my face in the smaller boy's hair, breathing in his scent - his usual mixture of chocolate and the Hogwarts grounds. His arms tightened around me automatically, though, it should have been me comforting him. He was the one who'd been kicked until he couldn't move. I could still remember his pitiful sobs as I had tried to move him, to find help. And I would never let that happen again.

I felt horribly protective over Remus, as I released him and wiped my cheeks. He was only a few months younger than me, and yet, the thought of him kissing a boy, hell, even being friendly with one made me feel insanely jealous. I shook my head, trying to pull myself together, as I realised he was talking to me.

"So...what happened with Lily and James? Lily said something about-"

"Oh yeah! James asked Lily to Hogsmeade with us...and she said yes!" I could barely believe it myself, James had seemed totally flabbergasted when she'd agreed. But Remus grinned knowingly, "good...I'll meet you down there in a bit, I just need to get changed," he said.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

I waited until Sirius had shut the door behind him, before stripping off my robes. James had finally grown a pair then... I was happy for them, they were completely perfect for each other, and Lily had admitted more than once that he was "alright, once you get past the dickhead."

The urge to cut had momentarily subsided. I grabbed on some jeans and a jumper, feeling much happier, then pulled the parchment out of my pocket, still smiling, and unfolded it.

Then I stared. A cold dread seeped through my body, and the world seemed to spin around me.

_We know what you are._

_You should just kill yourself now and save us the trouble, you filthy, disgusting freak._

* * *

**Author's Note: **Please, please, please review! Thank you so much for reading! :-) xox


	4. Chapter 4

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

**Hopeful Rays**, **Thrae Elddim**, **starwarsfreak95**, **TechNomaNcer28** and **SiriuslyCaaat**- thank you so much for your reviews, I had a rubbish day yesterday, so to wake up and read your reviews/follows/favourites really cheered me up, thank you! :-D

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so, so good! Thank you! :-)

So, this got much longer than I had intended, whoopsy :-P Sorry for any mistakes.

Disclaimer: As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

It was a beautiful, cold morning, three days before Christmas. Term had finally ended, and there was a fresh, white carpet of snow covering the grounds and topping the fir trees like icing sugar. There were shrieks from outside, where students of all ages were having snowball fights, building snowdragons and making snow-witches.

Not me though. Instead I was slaving away in the library, half an hour before my date with Finley, desperately trying to finish a History of Magic essay for Binns, whilst what felt like a hundred Cornish Pixies pounded against my skull. My tiny cramped handwriting on the parchment was making my vision blur at the edges, and I suddenly realised I no longer knew what I was writing. Resigned to the fact that I would have to finish it when I wasn't feeling quite so run-down, I rolled up the essay and shoved it in my bag, and then stood up, but the ground seemed to move beneath my feet, and I staggered sideways.

"Whoah, easy!" There was a hand at my elbow, as someone steadied me again.

I turned, hoping to see Sirius, who had been avoiding me like the plague all day (a fact that I had already taken out on my own wrists), but it wasn't. It was Finley. I felt angry at myself for feeling so disappointed, and a little guilty when he shot me his one million Galleon smile.

"Finley..hey," I said, forcing a smile. "Erm..am I late?"

"What? Oh, no. Not at all. Lily warned me I'd practically have to drag you out of here screaming, so I thought I'd come and get a head-start," he laughed. He was hot when he laughed - not quite on Sirius' sex-god level, but still hot. _Oh my God_, I thought, feeling my cheeks blazing. _You did not just think that_.

I laughed with him, trying to shake off my own embarrassment, desperately trying not to think of the way his hair was tidy and tamed, not wild and shaggy, or the fact that he was approximately three and a quarter inches taller than Sirius. "I was leaving anyway, just let me dump my bag and then I'll be ready."

My head had started its drum solo again as we started to move, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I groaned and stopped, leaning my head against a pillar. "Remus?"

I opened my eyes to Finley's concerned golden ones. "Hey, you really don't look too good..."

I laughed bitterly. "Thanks, that's just what every guy wants to hear."

"You know what I mean..." He bit his lip and then touched my forehead. "You're freezing! Why didn't you say anything?" I said nothing, trying not to focus on the unpleasant rolling sensation in my stomach. Finley looked worriedly down at me. "Look, I'm taking you back to Gryffindor Common Room...you need to go to bed."

"Wha- no, I'm fine..really," I insisted, pushing myself away from the wall and arranging my features in to what I hoped was a healthy expression. Finley looked at me, then burst out laughing, "Remus, you look like Death...come on, we can always rearrange our date."

I don't know how we made it to the Common Room in the end. I remember mumbling something incomprehensible at the Fat Lady. I also remember collapsing in to bed in the dormitory, and Finley kissing my forehead before vanishing. Then I was drifting in and out of sleep, the pulsing pain in my head fading away, instead leaving me with surges of nausea every time I moved my head.

Later, how much later, I have no idea, I began to feel slightly more human, and forced my eyes open. The I shut them again. _It was an illusion. You're delirious_, I told myself firmly. _Sirius is not standing there staring at you, while you look completely repulsive._

"Remus?"

_Brilliant. Now you're hearing things too._

"Remus, please open your eyes."

I obeyed, more because I wanted it to be real, than because I believed he was actually there.

"Hey buddy..how are you feeling?" Sirius asked, moving closer and slipping his hand easily through mine.

It felt real. It felt totally solid. But more than that, it felt _right_. Our hands were shaped for each other's perfectly, and it felt so easy, so natural. I stared at our interlaced fingers for a while, before I realised that Sirius had actually asked me a question.

"Oh, pretty good, you?" I said, forcing a smile.

He raised an eyebrow. "Really, Remus? You're really going to pull that one on me?"

I sighed. It scared me how well Sirius knew me sometimes. "I'm okay..just tired..how did you know I was here anyway?"

Sirius shrugged. "Oh, Finley told me on the way to Hogsmeade. So I came back to see you."

Sirius hadn't gone to Hogsmeade? Apart from Hogwarts, it was his favourite place; he and James spent hours in Honeydukes and Zonko's researching for pranks and drafting a Marauder's Map for the village. And yet, he'd stayed, for me?

"You didn't have to do that," I told him, looking him in those beautiful grey eyes.

He grinned and settled himself next to me. "Well, I did. You're one of my best friends, and you stayed with me last year when I was sick..."

_Yes, that's because I'm in love with you,_ I wanted to scream. But instead I smiled. "Where's Peter?"

He sat up straighter immediately, eyes glinting viciously. "Pete's in the library, get this, _with a girl._"

"Who?" I asked immediately.

"Melody something-or-other...she's a Hufflepuff, so I don't know how much help she'll be to him.." he said, laughing cruelly.

"Don't be so horrible! .. Anyway, weren't you supposed to be going with that girl..Chloe, wasn't it?"

Sirius waved his hand carelessly, "Chloe was last week, keep up Remus. Yes, I said I'd see Grace around, but she knows me, no strings attached."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Sirius, these girls have feelings you know! You can't just have sex with them and then dump them!"

"We were never dating..anyway, who said anything about sex?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I think you'll find it was actually-"

"Stop it! Don't want to know!" I called over him, pressing my hands over my ears.

Sirius laughed at my expression, and then his eyes softened. "Sorry. But they all know that it doesn't mean anything. Everyone does."

"You don't have to justify yourself to _me_," I grumbled. "Just maybe though, you could treat them with a bit more respect?"

"That's your problem. You care too much!" He was laughing again, eyes playful.

I shook my head at him. "What, because I don't treat people like dirt?"

His laughter faded and he sagged suddenly, looking serious. "It's not like that...I just... This is going to sound really bad, but...never mind."

"I'm not going to judge you, Sirius," I said quietly.

"Promise?" He looked at me, eyes cautious.

It was my turn to laugh. "Hey, I turn in to a wolf once a month and you don't treat me any differently!"

He smiled and then began playing with our fingers, which I realised were still intertwined. Even though he was far too close to my cuts for comfort, I didn't want to separate our hands. "It's just that..I used to enjoy it, you know? The chase, the flirting-"

"The sex?" I suggested drily.

"Shut up. What I'm trying to say is, well, it's not the same anymore. I don't enjoy it. But people still expect me to be this huge player, party animal, ladies man and stuff. I just, it's not me anymore.."

I could see where he was coming from. He was hugely popular because of his fun-loving attitude. All the guys wanted to be him, and all the girls wanted to be with him

"What are you saying?"

"I don't even know..I just don't want to have to live like that...it's just meaningless, and I want a relationship that means something. What the hell's wrong with me, Remus?" He put his head in his hands, his shaggy curls falling in front of his eyes.

"Nothing, you're perfect," I said, without thinking.

Sirius froze. With his careless attitude and ready smile, it was easy to forget his difficult home life, and the fact that, no-one, not even James usually praised him or told him just how brilliant he was. I felt my cheeks get even redder, as he slowly raised his head, a stunning smile stretching across his face.

"Well, state the obvious, Moony," he said with a chuckle. "Anyway, enough about me...what's going on between you and Finley then?"

* * *

**Sirius Black**

His face, already tinged pink, turned crimson, so he looked even more adorable than usual. "Oh..I...I'm not really sure.."

"Meaning what exactly?" I asked, running a thumb over the joining skin between his thumb and his first finger. His hand was so small, it was enveloped by mine. It felt perfectly natural to be holding his hand, he was like my little brother, right? _Yes, but you wouldn't be doing this with James or Peter, would you?_ piped up a small voice in the back of my head. I pushed it away firmly. This was just brotherly love.

"I don't know...I mean, he's absolutely lovely to me. He's gentle and sweet and caring, everything I've ever wanted..." Remus wasn't looking at me. Instead he was fixing his amber eyes on the spotted pattern of the bedspread. I felt a twinge of something in my chest. Something like jealousy. But as Remus had pointed out to me before - I did not own him. _Knock it off!_ I thought angrily.

"But do you like him?" I pressed, caring far more than I knew I should.

"I...I don't think so...I don't know! I've never had this before, I don't know what it feels like!"

I watched him sadly. Remus was the kind of person who deserved the best person in the world. And yet, they still wouldn't be as good a person as he was. He had the kindest, sweetest soul I had ever seen, and I trusted him with my life. It killed me to see him so lonely and confused, and I wanted nothing more than for someone to love him half as much as I did.

Wait...what?

* * *

**James Potter**

"So, was I really that repulsive?" I asked, leaning over the table, to wipe my finger around the rim of Lily's empty Butterbeer. She slapped my hand away, but laughed in spite of herself. She was so cute when she smiled.

"Hmm, bearable," she replied, eyes twinkling.

I feigned mock-hurt, and she laughed again. It was like water bubbling up from a brook, totally infectious and clear. "Seriously, though," she continued. "I actually had a really good time...thank you, James."

It was one of the only times she had ever actually called me James, instead of Potter, and I felt my heart leap. "A good enough time to do this again after Christmas?" I asked, on the spur of the moment.

She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves now, Potter." She slipped off her stool, and jerked her head, "come on! We need to be back before dark."

We left the Three Broomsticks, and started trudging back up the path leading towards Hogwarts. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this happy, except maybe at full moon, and when Lily casually slid her hand in to mine, I thought I might just take off from joy. It was so much easier than I had ever realised, completely natural. All my nerves had vanished, and it just felt right.

As we approached the stile that led back in to the grounds, I turned to face her. "Lily, look. I've had a really good day, and I am really, really in to you-" Oh God, I was blushing. That was only cute on girls and Remus. "-And, I, um, I just-"

She was wearing her little half-smile, the one that I found impossible to read. She clearly thought I was an idiot, I'd got it all wrong, the nerves came flooding back-

Suddenly, she had moved towards me, so close I could feel her breath on my lips. "Shut up, James."

I stared at her, unsure of what to do. But then she closed her eyes, and pressed her lips tenderly against mine. Happiness exploded in my mind, and I was kissing her back, it was perfect, so, so perfect. Then-

Someone cleared their throat, and we broke apart awkwardly. Connor Milligan was standing there, looking mortified - he was a Chaser for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, a decent guy, but at that moment, I could have happily punched him in the face.

"I've been asked to give you this, it's for Remus Lupin," he said hastily, holding out a note.

Lily frowned and reached out to take it and the same time I did. As our hands met clumsily, we both moved back and blushed furiously. I eventually took the letter, whilst Lily stood, staring at the floor, cheeks the same colour as her hair.

"Who's it from?" I asked curiously.

The boy shook his head. "I got given it by Alexander Miller, who had it from a seventh year, who was given it by...no, that's not right...maybe it was-"

"I'll give it to him," I cut across him, and waited until he'd disappeared before turning to Lily. "Want to find out what it says?" I asked, a wicked smile spreading across my face.

Lily looked scandalised. "That's private, Potter. It's for Remus!"

"So..?"

"So, it's not yours! Don't you dare even think about opening it!"

I held it out of her reach deliberately, "not even a little peek?"

"No!" she yelled, suddenly sounding livid. "That belongs to Remus, and if you open it, I swear to God, I will hex you so badly-"

"All right! Sorry, I was just messing around!" I attempted to take her hand again, but she moved away angrily.

"Don't even consider it, Potter. Stay away from me."

I stared after her, open-mouthed, as she stalked away.

* * *

**Lily Evans**

Of all the selfish, arrogant dickheads I had ever met, James Potter was definitely the worst. How could he even think I was remotely interested in being seen with him, after the way he had treated his best friend's property.

Yes, it may have been a slight overreaction, but I was sick of James Potter treating people like he owned them - especially Remus, because Remus didn't have a self-assured bone in his body, so wouldn't ever think of standing up for himself.

A snowball caught the back of my head. Automatically, I fired a hex in the direction it had come from, and grinned nastily as I heard an 'oof.'

I expected to see Remus in the Common Room, but he wasn't there. Keen to avoid James, I headed straight up to my dorm and began hurling darts at the photograph of James I had on the roof of my four poster bed.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

Sirius had just stood up and announced he needed to piss, when James burst through the door. He looked absolutely furious, and he chucked a scrap of paper towards me before flinging himself on to the covers of his own four-poster, facing away from us.

Sirius and I exchanged a look. "James..?" Sirius said tentatively. "Um, how was your date?"

James said nothing, he just lay there, facing the wall. I bit my lip, feeling helpless. Sirius glanced at me and then muttered, "hey, don't look so worried, they probably just had a little argument."

I nodded, and slipped out of bed. I felt a million times better now, helped in no small way by Sirius' attention all afternoon.

_You're only going to get hurt pretending he cares,_ said that irritating voice at the back of my skull. As usual, I ignored it and pulled the curtains round my bed to get changed, as Sirius went to the toilets. After a few minutes, I heard James get up too and leave.

The note was slightly crumpled, but I recognised the handwriting. This was the third note I had received, having found one in my bag two days before, saying pretty much the same as the first one. Bracing myself, I opened it.

_Stay away from him, you dirty animal. Stay away or I'll make you regret it._

I felt tears spring to my eyes, and screwed the note up again, shoving it underneath the mattress with the others. My fingers brushed against something sharp and before I knew what I was doing, I had my sleeve rolled up and was carving slowly in to my arm.

_Animal. Freak. I'll make you regret it._

Why couldn't they just accept me? Tears leaked out of my eyes, as the blood bubbled out of the wound. But it wasn't working like usual. I felt dirty, and the crimson liquid snaking down my arm wasn't letting the dirtiness out. I cut again, desperately trying to reach my usual sense of elation, but instead hissing in pain and frustration as I tried to get the filth out. One of the scariest things was that I didn't know who this was. Who was I supposed to stay away from? Who was sending the note?

Lucius? No, he had moved on now, he'd need an owl to pass on a note. Unless he gave it to one of the Slytherins, but that seemed like too much work. Snape? No, he was more open than that - he tended to make sneering comments, trip me up occasionally - nothing serious, certainly not death threats.

God, I hated this. I was terrified. I wanted nothing more than to run in to Sirius' arms and tell him everything.

But I couldn't.

_Just end it now._

Why shouldn't I? What was keeping me here?

I raised the knife again, prepared to plunge it deeper and harder than I ever had before. But then Sirius' caring face floated in to view.

_You're amazing, Remus._

I couldn't do it. I was too weak and pathetic to even end it. I stared at the disaster of smeared blood and ripped skin on my arm, and collapsed in to tears.

I couldn't even kill myself properly. But I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Please review! I hope you liked it :-)

On a different note, I need to check an idea with someone, so if any of you guys are interested, PLEASE private message me, or tweet me or something... it's about this story, so if you want to keep it a surprise, then obviously don't ask :-P I just want to check my idea is plausible :-)


	5. Chapter 5

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

**Sirius1994**, **Hopeful Rays **and **Thrae Elddim **thank you so, so, so much for the help you gave me, I am so grateful to you :-) And thank you to the people who reviewed/followed/favourited :-D

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so, so good! Thank you! :-)

Sorry for any mistakes. Oh, and I kind of skipped over Christmas without realising, but never mind :-(

Disclaimer: As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

"BOO!"

I let out a small yelp as someone jumped on me, wincing slightly as they brushed my still-sensitive scars, and cursing myself for having become so jumpy over the last week. I turned to see Finley, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet like an over-excited puppy, as other students rushed to get to their classes.

"Hey, Finley!" I said, with a grin, instantly perking up, which was saying something considering it was the first day back; that's always exhausting.

"Remus!" he beamed, and threw his arms around me tightly. "Good Christmas?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good, thanks," I lied. "How was yours?

It hadn't been good in the slightest. Two more messages had arrived - the creepiest of which was in my stocking on Christmas Day - and I still had no idea who they were from, even though the threats were escalating each time, becoming increasingly homophobic and anti-werewolf. There was an almost constant knot of worry in the pit of my stomach now, and I could barely control my urges to cut anymore. To make things even worse, I had been forced to watch Sirius and a totally stunning girl, whose name I think was Miranda, James and Lily (who he had somehow got drunk enough not to care) and Peter and Melody making out loudly on New Year's Eve, while I sat there alone.

As usual.

I only half-listened as I walked Finely to Arithmancy. He was ranting about how his parents had bought him the new racing broom, and that his house-elves had burned the Christmas pudding - something for which they had been punished severely. I frowned slightly- I knew that rich, pure-blood families, like the Malfoys and Finley's family had them, but I was a half-blood and I had always sympathised with house elves, they were like me in many ways; the main one being that we were both considered the lowest of the low in society.

We were ambling down the fast-emptying corridor chatting - I had a free period next anyway, and had been headed to the library - when it happened.

He swung around in front of me, causing me to stop suddenly, and took both of my hands in his. I stared at them stupidly, not really understanding what was happening.

"Remus, I wanted to say this before Christmas, but you were sick and everything...and I've realised I can't hide it anymore." Finley's face was scarlet, but his eyes were earnest. "I really like you, Remus, and I..um...you make me smile and you're adorable and..um, well, I was..." He hesitated briefly. "I'd like you to be my boyfriend."

My mouth fell open. There had to be some kind of terrible mistake. Maybe this was all just an elaborate prank he had cooked up with the Slytherins, and I felt my eyes prickling with tears. I hastily looked down, trying in vain to hold back the tidal wave of hurt and disappointment that was crashing down on top of me._ Why did you even let yourself believe he would like something as disgusting as you?_ I asked myself silently.

"Remus?" Finley said, nerves creeping in to his voice.

I looked back up at him, unsure of what to say. But before I had a chance to speak, he put his hand under my chin, and tilted my head towards him. His lips were pressing against mine before I knew what was happening, and I was kissing him back. The passion was real. _He was telling the truth._ Happiness exploded in my chest. I opened my eyes that I hadn't even realised I had closed when we pulled apart.

"Well?" he asked, sounding genuinely nervous now.

I smiled, and nodded slowly, feeling dazed from the kiss.

His face glowed as he beamed again, and I felt myself blushing again. He kissed me tenderly once more and then disappeared in to his class, eyes shining.

I leaned back against the wall, breathing hard. A smile crept over my face and I raised my fingers to my lips. _He kissed you, Remus!_ I could scarcely believe it.

Humming happily, I straightened my collar, and set off down the corridor, but just as I was bouncing off, I crashed in to someone and fell back on to the flagstones. Assuming it was Severus Snape I braced myself for a kick and/or a spiteful remark, but nothing came. I looked up to see a striking Seventh Year Slytherin girl, with honey-coloured curls and eyes that were grey like Sirius', but lacking any of Sirius' warmth and happiness, glaring down at me.

I pushed myself up to my feet, mumbling apologies, but the girl still said nothing. I recognised her vaguely as Lucius' ex-girlfriend, her name was something fancy...Arianna.. No..that wasn't right...Araminta. Something like that. Her unwavering gaze burning with loathing was really freaking me out, but she had her hands on her hips, deliberately blocking my path.

"Urm, excuse me?" I asked tentatively.

She made no sign she had heard me. Then, slowly and deliberately, she took a step towards me. She was taller than me - not that that was a particularly impressive feat, but it meant she was towering above me.

"Stay away from me, you disgusting faggot."

I stepped back in shock, not only because very few people were openly that homophobic towards me (mostly because Sirius, James or Peter would hit them before they could say _Expelliarmus_), but also because that was almost exactly what the last note had said, except the 'me' had been replaced by 'him.'

Was she the sender of the note? It was possible, but why would she hate me so much? And who was I supposed to be staying away from? None of it made any sense. I felt the tears rising again and fought to keep my face expressionless as she strode past me, crumpling against a wall once I was sure she wouldn't be able to hear me.

* * *

**Sirius Black**

He was late. Remus was never late for anything - especially not our study periods together in the library. Ten minutes was fine - he might be talking to a teacher and have gotten distracted in his adorably enthusiastic but nerdy way. But twenty minutes?

Just as I was about to send out search parties, he appeared. His cheeks were a little flushed and his expression was unreadable, but he sank in to the chair next to me with all of his usual grace, smiling brightly at me.

"Hey," he whispered, pulling out his books and quill.

"Where were you?" I hissed back, opening my Charms textbook.

"Toilet," he said, blushing slightly.

"Oh..." I said, feeling awkward, but still noticing how cute he looked when he blushed. He grinned and leaned over to me to grab my essay - "I'll proof-read yours for you if you-"

But something else had caught my eye and I reached out and grabbed his forearm, which was thin, too thin, much to my unwavering concern. But his weight wasn't what had caught my attention - it was the flash of blood as his sleeve had rolled up, and as I turned his arm over, I saw a long, bloody gash running the length of his wrist.

My heart stopped. "Remus?"

Remus snatched his arm back, cheeks burning. "Oh that. It's um..just..from the last full moon...it keeps re-opening."

I hesitated. Remus didn't lie, but that was a pretty suspicious looking cut. Then again, how else would he have done it? "Maybe you should get it checked out by Madame Pomfrey?"

He gave a non-committal shrug and pulled my essay towards him, burying himself in my untidy slanted scrawl - he was one of the few people who could actually read it. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, the feeling of concern growing in my gut. There were grey circles under his eyes, but because he was almost always smiling, you were so drawn to that you wouldn't notice how tired he looked.

I smiled as his tongue came peeking out of the corner of his mouth, it was a habit of his that I loved, as he shook his head smiling and crossed through an entire paragraph of my essay. His amber eyes travelled down the page, flitting from left to right, and then they suddenly stopped and met mine.

Blushing, I hastily looked down at my page, sneaking a look to my right once I could hear the scratching of his quill again. There was a small smile gracing his lips, and with a surprisingly strong January sun spilling across our table, he was bathed in sunshine, turning his usually chocolate coloured hair to gold like a halo. And my God, it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in the world.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

Once I'd finished re-writing - I mean checking through Sirius' essay, the two of us walked to the Great Hall together, picking up James and Peter from their Defence Against the Dark Arts class on the way. Peter was sporting a large, purple bruise beneath his left eye, which I quickly removed with a wave of my wand. Apparently, James was overly-enthusiastic with his wand movements.

Sirius and I glanced at each other. "Surely not?" Sirius said, feigning disbelief. "Can you believe that, Remus?"

"James? Over-enthusiastic? I think you must be confusing him with someone Pete," I said, grinning.

We all burst out laughing, except James, who was looking annoyed and haughty. "Fine. Be like that. I'm going to see Lily."

We exchanged another look as he walked away, this time one of pity. Lily had been blanking James fiercely since New Year's Eve when they had made out, and if I knew anything about her, it was that she was as stubborn as an ox - she would talk to James when she decided to, and no sooner.

As we entered the Great Hall, Finley bounced over to me.

"Remus!" he called, grabbing my hand and beaming at me.

"Hey," I began, suddenly feeling inexplicably nervous. "Guys, I have to tell-"

Finley cut me off with a passionate kiss, which I returned before I could stop myself. By the time I pulled away, Sirius had already walked away. My heart lurched.

"Sirius!" I yelled, but he didn't turn around. Finley slipped his arm around my waist and led me to the Ravenclaw table, but at that moment, I felt utterly miserable. I listened as Finely and his mates cooed over how adorable we were, but I said nothing. I must have done something really bad to upset Sirius enough to ignore me; he usually bounced back from everything with a ready smile. But what did I do this time?

* * *

**Sirius Black**

Something snapped inside me as Finley kissed him. It was like a dagger had pierced my heart - no, like someone was dicing it in to tiny pieces. I felt jealousy exploding inside me, stronger than ever before, and I wanted nothing more than to rip Finley away from him and pin him against the wall.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't do that to my best friend, who was holding hands with _him_, laughing and looking happier than I had seen him in weeks.

Instead, I turned and walked away. I heard Remus calling my name, but I kept going. Out of the Great Hall, out of the castle, in to the grounds. I walked to the edge of the lake, where I knew it was too cold for any students to be lounging, and shifted. A huge, shaggy black dog was now pacing around the lake. My mind always felt so much clearer in dog-form. I felt the anger subsiding slightly, though it was still pulsing in the back of my mind.

More than that, I was feeling hurt. I had just spent an entire hour with Remus, and yet, he hadn't even mentioned the fact that he had a boyfriend. _Then again, not everyone broadcasts their latest 'conquests' quite like you, Sirius. _Especially not Remus.

I knew what this meant. The fact that my heart went in to a crazy drum solo whenever he walked in to the room, the fact that I wanted nothing more than to stare in to those beautiful golden-brown eyes for the rest of my life. These feelings I had been trying so hard to squash down. I had even tried avoiding Remus over the Christmas holidays, and hooking up with Miranda over New Years, just to try and get him out of my mind. But it didn't work, I even dreamed about him for God's sake.

I was gay.

A Black was gay. I laughed bitterly. No, that sentence just wasn't right. No Black had ever been gay as far as I knew, not even the ones whose names had been destroyed on the family tree. They would disown me for sure.

That wasn't what was bothering me though. I could handle family rejection as I had since my birth, but all my life I had been taught that homosexuality was as wrong as being a Muggleborn. But then I had met Remus, and everything had changed. Because how could someone as sweet as Remus be anything but good? He was so kind and gentle and just a genuinely charming guy, therefore, surely, being gay wasn't something to be ashamed of? Remus certainly wasn't.

_But you're too late, _I realised bitterly._ Someone else realised how amazing Remus is first._

God, mmy life was such a disaster. I felt a tear trace down my cheek, and felt completely helpless. I wasn't the type of person to break people up to get what I wanted, especially not when Remus seemed to goddamn happy. That was what hurt the most. He had never been that happy with me.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Please, please, please review! I love hearing how I can improve/what you think! :-D Thank you for reading! xox


	6. Chapter 6

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

Thank you so much to the people who reviewed - **7outof200**,** Sirius1994**,** celebiskye**, the guest reviewer, **TechNomaNcer28**, **N**, **lullaby chick**, **Thrae Elddim** and **Hopeful Rays**! I love you all, you make me so happy :3 And much love for **Thrae Elddim** and **Hopeful Rays**, for all your help - you guys are brilliant. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am to everyone who has given reviews or favourited, or just been there to talk to, you're all such amazing people, and I love you :3

Much love for Empty-Frames, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so, so good! Thank you! :-)

Sorry for any mistakes. Oh and by the way for those of you who thought it was, **the blonde girl is ****not**** Narcissa**..

Disclaimer: As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

I glared at my reflection, dragging my fingernails at the deep circles under my eyes, as though I could scrape away the greyness that showed how tired I really was. They remained as dark as ever, making my eyes look even more yellow today, like the wolf I really was. Sighing slightly, I began buttoning up my shirt, as Sirius burst in to the room in Quidditch gear, looking harassed with broom in hand.

"Going out, are we?" he asked, raising his eyebrows as he took in my appearance - a pair of tight black jeans and a green shirt, like a Muggle.

I blushed slightly, and turned to face him as I finished getting dressed. "Finley says he wants to show me something.."

Sirius grinned wickedly. "I'll bet he does.."

"Nooo!" I groaned, covering my face with his hands, as Sirius cackled, throwing himself lazily on to his bed, and shoving his broom back under his four poster.

"Poor innocent Remus," he said, in a sing-song voice. "So where is he taking you?"

"I don't know, it's a surprise..." I looked anxiously back at my reflection. "Do you think it's too much?" I asked, gesturing at my clothes. Finley had taken me out the weekend before too, and we had both worn 'normal' clothes then, but we had Apparated in to a Muggle town, so we hadn't wanted to be too conspicuous. Or rather, he had Apparated - I still wasn't totally comfortable with it - while I had held his hand. It was against all school rules, of course, but Finley reminded me of the best bits of Sirius' personality, in that he was both reckless and caring, and I could almost pretend he _was _Sirius, when that wild glint appeared in his eyes.

Sirius rolled off the bed and padded up behind me. He was still a good head taller than me, and I knew that beneath his Chaser padding and kit, he was toned and muscular. Not that I watched him while he slept...that would be creepy.

"You look great, Rems," he said softly, clapping a hand on my shoulder. I blushed, both at the old nickname and the compliment, and stared at the floor, not knowing what to say.

"Um..how was Quidditch practice?" I asked, moving away from the mirror to make my bed.

"Terrible," Sirius grunted, leaning against the post of my bed. "James was almost pulling his hair out by the end of it. Austin was sick, so we've got this puny Fourth Year substitute, who can't save for toffee..."

Malaya Austin was a Fifth Year tomboy, and one of the best Keepers Gryffindor Quidditch team had seen in years. "But she'll be well enough for the game, right? It's not for two weeks.."

"Oh, she better be," Sirius grimaced.

I smiled, shaking my head, and straightened up, smoothing down the sheets with a wave of my wand. "Well, I should be going.."

"Oh yeah...um...I'll walk you down."

"Oh..no, you don't have to," I said, flushing.

"I know...but I want to," Sirius said simply, holding the door open for me.

We walked down to the Great Hall, where I'd arranged to meet Finley. The corridors were surprisingly empty for late afternoon on a Saturday, but I was thankful for that. The last month had been like hell for someone as shy as I was.

Everywhere I went, people pointed me out and whispered that Finley was my boyfriend, and yes, I was even shorter that they'd imagined. Finley's friendship group had wittily nicknamed us 'Rinley', which had spread like wildfire, and Lily was already planning our wedding.

Personally, I couldn't deny that I was happier than I'd been in a long time, in many ways. Finley was everything I had ever dreamed of in a boyfriend - he was gentle and sweet and caring, but he also made me laugh and he had a daring streak in him. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve such an incredible guy. Because I didn't. I was a werewolf - a monster. And Finley, well, he could have anyone he wanted - and yet, he'd chosen a freak, (not that he knew what I was yet, and I had no intention of telling him any time soon. Especially not since he had swallowed the 'my mother's ill' excuse during my transformation the week before, without even blinking, in a way Sirius, James and Peter never had). I kept expecting to wake up and find it was an elaborate dream, or even worse, that it was a prank created by the Slytherins.

And yet, part of me still wasn't happy.

It sounded so selfish, but I wasn't. Finley was wonderful, and I did like him a lot. But there was also the problem of Sirius, and the fact that my heart swelled with happiness whenever he looked at me, or the fact that he made me smile without even trying. He, much to my pleasure, seemed to be taking a break from girls - I hadn't seen him making out with one for the last few weeks. But he was also making every effort to avoid Finley and me, and I had no idea what I'd done wrong. Finley seemed to really anger him for some reason, and I was coming to the conclusion that it must have something to do with Quidditch - Finley was captain of the Ravenclaw team, and Sirius was Chaser for Gryffindor, so there was bound to be rivalry there.

I couldn't see why that would make them loathe each other in the way that they clearly did, but I didn't have a competitive bone in my body, so I didn't really understand the true nature of Quidditch. Or so James told me.

The problem was, as hard as I tried to forget it, I was still in love with Sirius Black.

I found myself imagining it was him I was kissing, instead of Finley, or that he was the one holding my hand and showing me off to his friends. _What is wrong with you? _I asked myself furiously._ You're dating one of the hottest guys in the school, and you're wishing he was your best friend - your _straight_ best friend._

I glanced sideways at Sirius, and smiled slightly as he gave me his cute lop-sided grin that had the girls falling at his feet. And me.

Finley was waiting for me, and to my relief, he was dressed in a similar way. He beamed when he saw me - it only faded slightly when he saw Sirius was with me. They stood like boxers, squaring up to each other with their fists clenched. I grabbed Finley's hand to get his attention, and he immediately snapped out of it. Sirius on the other hand, looked even more pissed off.

"Um..see you later, Sirius!" I called, as Finley began dragging me out in to the grounds.

"Wait a second!" Sirius was walking after us. "Finley - where are you taking him?"

Finley looked coldly at him. "It's a surprise."

Sirius gave him a look I'd only seen him using on bullies and his parents. It was the kind of glare that makes your blood turn cold and causes you to feel about three feet tall. Finley swallowed and said grudgingly - "we're Apparating to see my parents. Dumbledore gave us permission. Not that it's any of your business, Black."

"Finley.." I said, in a warning voice.

He ignored me, still giving Sirius the evil-eye. But Sirius was disregarding this - he kept his gaze on Finley. "Remus doesn't like Apparating."

"I'm fine, Sirius," I said quickly. I pulled at Finley's arm, "let's go, Finley."

Finley finally nodded and allowed me to lead him away.

"Take care of him, Finley. Or you'll have me to answer to." Sirius' voice drifted after us.

* * *

**Sirius Black**

I watched him go; the jealousy was like a monster inside my chest.

He didn't even look back.

God, I hated this. Feeling so alone. I had come to the conclusion that Remus was happy, so happy, that he of all people deserved to stay that way. I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise his relationship, no matter how much I wanted to - not when he had been there for me so many times before. No, Remus deserved this.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Was this loneliness how Remus felt about being a werewolf? Merlin, I hoped not. No-one, especially not someone as compassionate and sweet-natured as him, should have to feel this way. I wished I could tell him how I felt about him, or even just about my sexuality, he would understand better than anyone, having been through it himself - but he didn't even know I was gay yet. No-one did. And it was eating me up inside.

As I turned back towards the castle and slowly made my way to the Common Room, I tried, I really did, to put Remus Lupin and his perfectly shaped arse in those skin tight jeans, out of my mind.

I should have known I wouldn't manage it.

I needed to talk to someone, someone who wasn't going to judge me for my sexuality. That ruled my family out straight away. Someone who I trusted enough to be able to keep it a secret until I was ready to come out.

James. I needed James. Now.

I hesitated outside the Fat Lady's portrait, then took a deep breath and stepped through in to the Common Room. As I had expected, he was huddled by the fire with Peter and a couple of other guys in our year. I headed straight towards him.

"I need to talk to you," I said, looking him straight in the eye.

James met my gaze and his smile faded. He nodded and stood up immediately. "You too," I said, nodding at Peter, who brightened visibly. They both followed me up to our dormitory and sat on the bed opposite mine while I paced.

"What's up, Padfoot?" James asked, his voice surprisingly gentle. Peter looked between us, and seemed to realise that this was a special moment. He shuffled backwards slightly, still listening, but allowing me to focus on James.

I took several deep breaths. This wasn't as easy as I had hoped it would be. Oh hell - what did I have to lose, apart from the two best friends I had ever had.

"James...um, I don't know how to tell you this, but I..."

James looked up at me, and now his eyes were twinkling with laughter. "Spit it out, Padfoot!"

I took a deep breath.

"I'm gay."

He stared at me for a second, then looked down, suddenly looking uncomfortable. My heart plummeted. If James rejected me, God, please, no...

"Urm, Sirius, don't get me wrong...I mean...I'm flattered and everything...and really, who can blame you with a face like this?" James gestured at himself, grinning widely, and I felt a laugh coming as I realised what he was getting at. "But, you know, Lily is the only one for me, right?"

I couldn't hold it back any longer as I burst out laughing. "Not you, idiot!" I said, shoving him playfully.

Peter and James glanced at each other, then at me, and grinned. "It's Remus, isn't it?"

My stomach dropped. "W-What?! No..no, I just-"

Peter smiled pityingly. "Come on Sirius, don't even bother trying to deny it."

"Yeah, we've seen you checking out his arse."

"Not that it's not an attractive arse."

"Really, Wormtail?" James asked incredulously. "You're dating Melody, and yet, you still come out with stuff like that?"

"He _is_ an attractive guy, James. And when he wears those jeans, it's just _there_, you know?"

"Well, sure, but that doesn't mean we can just comment about his arse!"

"Doesn't it? Oh..."

I looked at them both, tears springing to my eyes. "Thank you. Thank you so much," I whispered, my voice cracking.

"What for?" they said in unison.

"For..for accepting me," I mumbled, looking down, feeling the tears spilling over on to my cheeks.

Within seconds, their arms were around me. "Of course we were going to accept you, you silly doofus!"

"Yeah, we love Remus, and we love you too..why wouldn't we have accepted you?"

I shook my head, feeling the tears trickling out of my eyes. I hardly ever cried - not when my parents told me what a disappointment I was, not even when my name was burned off our family tree.

Before I had the chance to think any more deeply, James had released me, grinning broadly. "So...what are we going to do about you and Moony, then?"

"Nothing," I said quickly.

"What?"

"But, Padfoot, you have to tell him, or-"

"No. He's happy, James. He really likes Finley. And I'm not going to be the one to ruin that."

"But he likes you too!" Peter chimed in.

I shook my head. "Stop it. I know he doesn't. Let's talk about something else. Like you and Lily," I said, rounding on James.

He hesitated, like he wanted to pursue the topic, but then stopped. "What about us?"

"Prongs...really, you're going to do this the hard way?" His face remained stony, so I continued. "Have you actually spoken to her since New Year?"

James groaned. "You sound so much like Moony. Look.." he sighed. "I've been trying, but she doesn't want to know."

"She does, James, trust me!"

"God, now you sound _exactly_ like Moony.."

"James, seriously!"

"She doesn't want to know, guys! Lay off!" James shouted, suddenly looking dangerously close to tears. "I've ruined everything, and she'll never talk to me again! Leave me the fuck alone!" He stormed out of the door.

Peter and I looked at each other. I bit my lip guiltily. "That was my fault, wasn't it?"

Peter shook his head instantly. "I'll talk to him," he said, moving towards the door. "But you have to make Moony talk to Lily about it. It's been getting James down..and Remus is the only one who can make her see sense."

I stared at him. We were so used to Peter being the greedy and somewhat stupid one, that it was easy to forget - for James and I at least - that Peter was actually smart enough to have become an Animagus, and he was a genuinely nice guy.

"For the record," Peter said, glancing back from the door, "you and Remus would be adorable together."

"Shut up Wormy," I groaned, burying my face in my pillow, but hiding the huge smile that was spreading across my face.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

_Crack!_

We appeared on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, and Finley immediately steadied me as I stumbled forwards. He slipped his finger under my chin and raised my head so our eyes met. An electric shock jolted through me as our lips met. I didn't think I'd ever get used to be kissed by him - it was the same kind of rush as performing a spell - exhilaration.

We broke apart, and he smiled at me slowly, pressing his forehead against mine. "I love you," he whispered softly.

I froze, tensing up in his arms. His lips were inches from my face, I could smell his breath - the sweet scent of the chocolate cake his mother had so insistently given us - not that I took much persuading. His eyes were gazing in to mine, and I realised he was waiting for me to respond. I opened my mouth, but the words were frozen in my throat.

I couldn't say it.

Panic built up in my chest. I couldn't just walk away now. But what choice did I have? _Just say you love him too!_ a voice in my head was screaming. But I couldn't.

"Remus?"

God, now he was looking confused, his eyebrow raised, and he stepped back slightly. "Hey, sweetheart, are you okay?"

The pet name just made everything worse. Shaking my head, I opened my mouth stupidly. "I'm sorry, Finley. I..I can't-"

I ran.

I heard him calling after me, I heard his footsteps pounding after mine, but I was fast. Years of bullying had taught me how to be speedy, and I made it to the castle before he had even reached the upper half of the grounds.

I didn't stop until I was standing, shaking, in front of the mirrors in the Fourth Floor bathroom, breathing so hard it was tearing my lungs. _What the hell was wrong with me?_ I did love Finley too, didn't I? It had been over a month since we'd started dating, and I was happy. It just took me by surprise. Yes, that was it, I told myself firmly. Just the shock of anyone loving someone like me. It had nothing to do with the fact that the mere thought of seeing Sirius made my heart pound uncomfortably fast.

_Why did everything have to be so complicated?_ I slid down the wall and put my head in my hands.

_Why did I always screw everything up?_ Without even thinking, I pulled the sleeve of the shirt up, fumbling with my cuff buttons, and exposing the pale skin ravaged by scars. The cuts from two night ago were forming cracked scabs.

Anger suddenly boiled inside me and I tore at my wrist with my fingernails, scraping off the scabs. Fresh blood suddenly gushed out as I ripped it away. Pain shot through my body.

But I deserved it.

_I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it._ But no matter how many times I told myself this, it wasn't making the pain any better.

_Monsters like you deserve to suffer._ The voices in my head were back. I pressed my bloody hands against my forehead. They were starting to sound exactly like the notes; they had become faceless voices that haunted both my dreams and my waking hours. I laughed bitterly, realising that referring to voices in my head as 'they' was one of the first signs of madness.

I wouldn't be surprised. Everything was going wrong. Even before I'd screwed up my first and probably last relationship.

I could barely concentrate in lessons anymore because I was so shattered, and at night I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares about faceless people who came to me in my dreams and told me to kill myself. I knew they were just echoing the death threats, but that didn't make it any better. My grades were slipping, I had lost so much weight my robes hung off me like I was a Dementor, and the scars on my arms were like a disaster zone, the crimson slashes becoming an almost daily occurrence. _And yet, nobody was noticing._ _Nobody cares about you, you freak._

The notes were coming thick and fast now too - getting steadily worse and more violent, as was the bullying. I had been thrown down a flight of stairs, hexed almost daily, and called horribly accurate names. I was sure I'd hurt my arm pretty badly from being attacked on my Prefect rounds by faceless students, but I was terrified of going to the Hospital Wing in case the teachers found out and the senders of the notes really did come after me.

The notes themselves had even suggested ways I should end it. I couldn't stop myself from opening them, even though I knew how much they would hurt. The words were burned it to my mind:

_Just go and jump off the Astronomy tower, you repulsive freak._

_You're useless and no-one wants you. Drown yourself before we get to you._

I let out a broken sob and longed for my knife, digging in my nails even harder. Blood spurted between my fingers, staining them crimson. As much as I told myself I was worth something, I knew it was all a lie._ Dirty, fucking, animal._

Would Sirius, James and Peter really care if I died? No, they would still be Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. I was easily replaceable - I wasn't even an Animagus for God's sake, I was a monster. A filthy, disgusting monster. And as much as I told myself _Finley_ clearly wanted me, I had also come to the conclusion that he was whoever was doing this to me wanted me to stay away from.

I forced myself to stand up, wincing as I found several new bruises on my back, undoubtedly from being hurled against the wall earlier today by Snape. Maybe he was the sender? At first I had convinced it was Araminta - the blonde who had been so homophobic towards me, but I had trouble believing that someone who I didn't even know properly would have that much reason to hate me. _You deserve it,_ I told myself, _you disgusting _animal. I rolled down my sleeves without bothering to seal the cuts, then splashed water on to my face, and glared at my thin, haggard and blotchy face in the dirty mirror.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that the whole world seemed to expect me to be smiling all the time and to be able to drop everything and run to their aid. People _did_ like me. But why? Even Finley's pure-blood, wealthy and snooty parents had liked me, which was saying something considering I was none of those things. What was it about me? If I could get rid of that, then maybe I could lose the guilt I felt whenever I considered hanging or drowning myself.

I took a deep breath and strode out of the bathroom, making my way as quickly and quietly as possible down the stairs. It was dinnertime and at this rate, I would almost certainly miss it, which would only worry Sirius.

I felt slightly warmer as I thought of him. He made time for me no matter what. I didn't deserve a friend like him - let alone what I desired above everything else - Sirius as a boyfriend.

I put out my foot to descend the next flight of stairs, when suddenly the world started spinning as something shoved me hard downwards. I let out a cry as I hurtled down the stairs, rolling and crashing down, down, down. The ground rushed towards me, and pain exploded in my side as I hit the ground.

Groaning I rolled over, gingerly pressing my fingers to my ribs, and hissing in pain as pain stabbed in my chest. I gazed blearily up the stairs, just in time to catch a flash of green and black disappearing round the corner.

* * *

**Sirius Black**

He had just slouched in to the Great Hall, and was about to slump down at the end of the Gryffindor table - so as to avoid attention by crossing to sit with us, knowing Moony. Grinning, I made my way towards him.

"Guess who?!" I called, grinning, as I put both my hands over Remus' eyes. But he let out a broken scream and jumped about a mile, stumbling backwards in to me.

I caught him easily, feeling his hipbones too easily through his robes, and steadied him, turning him to face me. "Whoah, chill, it's just me!"

He looked up at me, his brilliant eyes still clouded with fear and pain, and sighed. "Don't do that Sirius..." he said, in a voice that was no more than a whisper.

I stared at him in surprise; I'd done that to him plenty of times before, and sure, he squealed, but I'd never seen him looking so frightened. I wanted to wrap him tightly in my arms and never let go. I wanted to. But I didn't. Instead, I asked softly, "is everything all right, Remus?"

He hesitated, not quite meeting my eyes, and I knew immediately he was hiding something from me. He'd been crying, I could tell by the way his bottom eyelashes clung together. More than that, he was in trouble. But he nodded and smiled, "of course...you just scared me, that's all.."

Even though we both knew he was lying, neither of us said anything. My arms were still on his waist, but the naturalness of this position and the way he leaned in to my hold, made me feel incredibly protective. _Stop it, it's like the hand-holding. He has a boyfriend now. You can't do that stuff with him anymore._

There was a loud clearing of a throat, and we instantly sprang apart, Remus' cheeks flushing at once, and I could feel my hands curling in to fists as I raised my head, to meet the glare of-

Sure enough, Finley was standing there. He was glowering at me, eyes burning with almost as much hatred as there was in my heart. Remus looked between us, and quickly stepped in the way.

Finley snapped out of his reverie and turned, a strange expression of both concern and dreaminess now in his eyes, and he gazed at Remus like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

Which, of course, he was.

Jealousy was bubbling up inside me, and it only intensified when Finley slipped his arms around Remus' waist and propped his chin on Remus' head. Remus looked slightly uncomfortable as he struggled out of Finley's grip, wincing slightly.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly.

Finley nodded immediately, and led him out of the Great Hall, shooting me a glare over his shoulder. My shoulders slumped as I turned to walk back towards the others again, but I caught the eye of a blonde Slytherin girl - Araminta de Lacey. She was glowering after Remus almost as angrily as I was.

I only vaguely knew her, because she had dated Lucius last year for less than a month, and was one of the people Lucius had told about Remus being a werewolf. Although Dumbledore had ensured that she and the other Slytherins weren't telling anybody, I still didn't trust any of them. There was something else about her though - she was very pretty, but it was more than that.

_She had dated Finley before he came out._ That was it. It was a year and a half ago now, but people always said she'd never got over it.

Worry dropped in to my stomach as she turned and whispered in the ear of another Slytherin guy twice the size of me. He chuckled like a troll, and cracked his knuckles, a malicious gleam in his eyes.

_What the hell was going on?_

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Well, this didn't go at all where I'd planned..but I hope you liked it, because I really don't like it...and I hate where it ended, but I tried to rewrite it so many times, and it wasn't working.. so I'm posting it anyway in the hopes you guys like it :-/ Thanks for reading, sorry if there were any mistakes. But please guys, please review, you have no idea how happy it makes me when I log on and see there's been another review, so please, please, please review! Reviews make me write more, and it would make me unbelievably happy to get to thirty reviews on this story :-D

**ATTENTION:** This is quite a long chapter, because I won't be updating until May half term. This is because I really do need to revise for my exams now, but I will still be answering PMs and reviews, so PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! If you have any suggestions or advice, please don't hesitate to PM me or tweet me, or anything! Thank you again for all your support, I'll be back! xD

xox


	7. Chapter 7

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

**I have returned! :-D :-D :-D**

I'm so sorry about the long wait, I had exams and revision, and it's all been a bit mad! But thank you to everyone who's favourited/followed/reviewed - **TechNomaNcer28**, **B00ksy9**, **PadfootsMarshmallowArmy**, **Firenze Fox**, **Thrae Elddim** and the two guest reviewers, you guys are wonderful, you've made me so happy, thank you! Thank you also to **PadfootsMarshmallowArmy**, **Thrae Elddim** and **Sirius 1994** for keeping me going through exams, and just talking to me, I love you all :3

_To the Guest on 9/4/13:_ Thank you so much! :-D And yes, I was planning one.. :-P

_To the Guest on 26/4/13:_ Thank you, he will eventually! :-)

Much love for Empty-Frames, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

**Beta: **Thank you to **Sirius1994 ** - thank you so much sweet, you've been really supportive and you're amazing, thank you!

Okay, I think that's all the thank yous! Urm, new chapter, yay! I don't like it, but my lovely beta convinced me to update, so I am! She also pointed out that there's a lot going on, which is a bit confusing, but this one picks up from where the last one left off, and hopefully you're all still with me! :-D Sorry if there are any mistakes!

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

Pangs of hunger were starting to settle in my stomach, as I made my way towards the bottom of the stairs in the entrance hall. I knew Finley was following me, but I waited until the sounds of his heavy footsteps had stopped before I turned slowly to face him. I winced inwardly as the movement caught the fresh bruises I knew would be forming down my body.

"Remus?" Finley was looking down at me, his eyes soft with concern.

I took a deep breath, and looked up at him – I focused on his nose; it was too painful to look in to his eyes, and I didn't want to have to see the disappointment there.

"We need to talk."

My heart twinged painfully in my chest, and my breath caught in my throat - even though I knew what was coming, it didn't make the pain any easier. _We need to talk._ How many times had I heard Sirius saying that to an overly-clingy one night stand? It was almost always followed by-

"It's not you. It's me," he continued.

I opened my mouth – to protest, to stop him, to apologise – anything. But he pressed a finger gently against my lips before I could even speak.

"Let me finish. Look, I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake."

My eyes burned – a _mistake_? Was that all I was to him? Tears were threatening to spill down my cheeks, but I ducked my head, determined that he wouldn't see me cry. I just wanted to run away - to run and never stop running, away from all this, away from the people who wanted me dead. Maybe it was better this way, I realised - at least if he broke up with me, it might make the notes stop. The thought made my chest tighten painfully - I didn't ever want to break up with Finley; he made me feel safe, and yeah, he wasn't Sirius, but he was a damned good second. In all honesty, I didn't deserve either of them, and clinging to the belief that I did, was only going to hurt me even more in the long run. I was lucky Finley had even given me a chance.

But Finley hadn't finished talking, it took me a moment to shake myself out of my reverie, just as he was saying, "I shouldn't have gotten so heavy so quickly. I mean….I know it's only been a month or so... And I didn't mean to pressure you in to saying anything you weren't ready for. It was wrong of me…I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"

I froze, unsure of what was happening. I'd had so little experience with romance - I'd never had a relationship before Finley, and I'd only ever heard Sirius and James talk about their relationships. The only real relationship I'd seen was the crumbling marriage between my parents, when they found out how stressful it was trying to raise a werewolf.

Was this is a break-up?

"I don't understand..." I said slowly, still refusing to meet his eyes, not daring to hope.

Finley sighed, and slipped his hand under my chin, tilting my face up so I was looking at him. "Remus. Listen to me. I'm sorry about earlier. I really am. But..I don't take back what I said."

I caught my breath, and felt my eyes widen as I realised what he meant.

"And, I'm willing to wait a thousand years, if it means I'll be able to hear you say it too," he said, linking our fingers together.

I stared down at our interlaced hands and opened my mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. I tried to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth.

_Nice one, Remus, goldfish impressions are the height of sexy-_

That was the last thought flitting through my brain as Finley pressed his lips against mine, because suddenly, everything else just faded, and I melted against him. _He still wants you!_ I thought, forcing myself not to let out the ecstatic squeal that was building up inside my chest, as Finley deepened the kiss with a soft moan. His tongue flitted in to my mouth, and by God, the things he was doing with that tongue - I wish I'd known about this sort of thing earlier. I pressed myself more eagerly against him, slipping my arms around his neck and leaning up towards him. I didn't think I'd ever get used to the tidal wave of joy I felt every time we kissed.

Someone coughed behind us, and we broke apart awkwardly to find Professor Dumbledore standing there, a twinkle in his cerulean eyes. My cheeks instantly blazed brighter than Fawkes' feathers, and I ducked my head in embarrassment, fully expecting a reprimand.

"Well, Mr O' Brien and Mr Lupin." His gaze flickered down to our entwined hands, causing a bright smile to grace his lips.. "Not that I don't enjoy seeing two students clearly infatuated with each other, I feel I should remind you that this is a school, and public displays of affection, however touching, are not appropriate in the hallways."

"Yes Sir," I mumbled , feeling my cheeks burning, as Finley muttered something similar.

Dumbledore gave us another smile. "Well, good evening to you both," he walked away, swishing his star-spangled cloak as he strode off.

Finley waited until the headmaster had turned in to the Great Hall, before tightening his grip on my hand, and dragging me up the steps. "Come on!" he called, a reckless glint in his eyes that reminded me so much of Sirius when he was thinking up a brand new prank. "He didn't say anything about not kissing in the common room!"

* * *

**Sirius Black**

Finley was just leaving the Gryffindor Common Room, a happy grin on his stupid, smug face. He smirked at me, "evening, Black."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. It was already taking everything I had not to punch the moron in the face, but I managed to stalk past him, through the Fat Lady's portrait, and in to the Common Room, just in time to catch sight of Remus bounding up to the dormitory. His cheeks were flushed and his gorgeous amber eyes were sparkling with happiness. The monster in my chest growled, but I forced the anger back down - _Remus is happy, he deserves this._

"Moony!" I called, as he disappeared up the stairs. Moments later, his grinning face peered back round the corner.

"Hey Pads!" he chirped, bouncing back down the steps and hugging me loosely. "You're back early!"

I laughed slightly bitterly. "Yeah.." I _was_ back early - the tension between James and I had become ridiculous, and I'd decided that it was probably better to give him a chance to cool off. That, and the fact that the looks the Slytherins were giving each other, were making me feel increasingly uneasy.

Remus' face fell slightly, and he tilted his head sideways, in that adorable way he does when he's thinking. "What's up?" he asked, concern entering his voice.

"Nothing.." I said, shaking my head. At his disbelieving look, I sighed. "Just..everything."

He studied my face, then pulled on my arm, so that I was following him in to the chairs near the fire. The only other Gryffindors in the Common Room - Second Years judging by the size of them - scarpered to the other side of the room, despite Remus' warm smile. Rolling my eyes and suppressing a laugh, I slumped down in my favourite armchair - I loved being a Sixth Year.

"So," Remus began, drawing his knees up to his chest, "are you going to tell me what's wrong? Or do I have to guess?"

I glanced sideways at him, mentally debating whether or not to come out to him. Part of me desperately wanted to tell him - he _knew _what this felt like, he would understand. He knew better than anybody, how it felt to believe that you were something filthy and disgusting, because as much as it hurt me to admit it, I knew that was how he felt about himself.

On the other hand, I had no idea how to tell him. It was different to telling James or Peter - I wasn't in love with them. I wanted to - I wanted to tell him so badly, it made my chest constrict with longing, but I couldn't. Not now. Not yet.

"Sirius..? Earth to Padfoot..." I was pulled out of my thought processes to find Remus still looking at me expectantly. His eyes flickered across my face, and his worry lines deepened.

I sighed, shaking myself, and made the decision. "I just...I had an argument with James. He and Lily still aren't talking..actually I was meant to ask you-"

"Yeah, yeah, of course I'll talk to her," Remus waved his hand carelessly, looking distracted.

"How did you know I wanted you to..?"

"Come on, Pads. When don't you lot want me to fix your relationship problems?" he asked, a cute cheeky smile playing on his lips. "But why did you and James fall out?"

Biting my lip, I looked down. Okay, maybe I had been overly optimistic about him and Lily, or assumed wrongly or whatever. Maybe I should have known better than to tease him about her, but he had overreacted massively. We had sat in silence at dinner, the tension thick in the air, until I had decided I couldn't stand it, and made my way up to the Common Room. Before I could stop myself, I could feel the anger resurfacing. "I don't even know! He's just been so bloody moody recently, I don't fucking know what I supposedly did wrong!"

"Whoah, I'm not saying you did anything!" Remus held up his hands, in a surrender-type gesture, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. This wasn't his fault. Everything was just getting to me, and I wasn't handling it at all - the argument with James, my sexuality and what it would mean when I came out to my parents (probably torture or death - I would definitely be scorched off their stupid family tapestry), worrying about Remus and those Slytherins, suppressing my feelings for Remus... I couldn't physically keep everything bottled up inside me anymore-

To my absolute horror, I felt a sob rising in my throat. Desperately, I forced myself to take a few deep breaths, but instead of calming down, tears pricked in my eyes, and a choked whimper slipped out of my mouth. I clenched a fist to my mouth, but that didn't block the sounds, nor did it stop fat tears from trickling down my cheeks.

Instantly, there was a pair of warm arms around my body, and someone was slipping in to the gap in the armchair seat, running a soothing hand up and down my back. I have no idea how long I sat in Remus' arms, sobbing in to his shirt, breathing in his beautiful chocolate aroma, and listening to the comforting words he whispered to me. Through gasps and gulps, I choked out incomprehensible, jumbled words, unaware of anything apart from the beautiful boy whose grip tightened on me every now and then, as though he was trying to protect me from something.

It could have been hours later, maybe it was only minutes, but by the time I pulled away, we were sitting on my bed in the dormitory, but I didn't remember how I got here.

"Lily helped me to get you up here," Remus explained quietly, sensing my confusion.

I turned my face to look at him, feeling the shame bubbling up inside me - Remus' eyes were empty of anything other than concern and the front of his shirt was soaked with tears. I had just had a complete breakdown all over him, and a mixture of worry and embarrassment surged up inside me as I tried to remember everything I'd said.

"Sorry," I mumbled, wiping my eyes on my sleeve. I could feel my cheeks flushing.

Remus shook his head almost immediately - "don't be ridiculous. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for."

I looked back down, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice was soft and gentle, and it was only because I knew there would be no judgement in his eyes, that I forced myself to meet his gaze. "Sirius, what was that?"

I shook my head, forcing myself not to start crying again. God, how the hell was I supposed to explain the mess that my life had become, to the one who was part of the problem? But Remus seemed to get it, he was standing up, an understanding look settling on his face, as he made to leave the room. With a jolt of guilt, I realised I had ruined his happy mood.

He smiled sweetly at me, "get some sleep, Pads, you look shattered."

Even though I knew he wasn't going to let me get away with not talking about what had happened, I was grateful that he was letting it drop for now. I sank slowly back on to the bed, watching discreetly as Remus stripped off his shirt, letting it fall to the floor. I suppressed a gasp when I realised how thin he'd become - he'd only ever been slender, but now, his spine was clearly visible through his pale skin, and his ribs jutted out far more than was healthy as he buttoned up another shirt, this one slightly shabbier. How could I not have noticed that? Or - the horrid, patchwork of bruises that stretched across his side and back. There was only one explanation I could think of - Remus was being bullied again. Worry dropped like a stone in to my gut and something clenched painfully at my heart - how long had he been suffering in silence?

I wanted to say something, to confront him about it, but I simply didn't have the energy; I was barely keeping my eyes open as it was. He caught my eye as he finished getting dressed and blushed. "Go to sleep," he ordered, though it lacked any real authority.

I rolled over, grabbing my wand and waving it carelessly to pull the curtains around the four poster bed shut. I promised myself I would find out what was bothering Remus tomorrow - I would get to the bottom of his problems...yeah..I'd be a better friend to him, no matter how I felt about him, that wasn't what he needed. Right now, he just needed support.

_Are you in any position to help him out?_ a nasty voice hissed from the back of my mind, but I pushed the thought away, and within seconds, I was drifting asleep.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

I stepped out of the dormitory, clicked it shut behind me as quietly as possible, and took a deep breath.

I had no idea what had just happened. One moment we were having a perfectly normal conversation, and the next, he had dissolved in to tears, and was mumbling meaningless words. James must have said something really awful to upset him this much, but then again, the two of them were always falling out, and they'd be friends again within ten minutes. No, it had to be something more than that.

Sighing to myself, I absent-mindedly rubbed the sleeves of my new shirt. I usually avoided wearing this one, because it was so scratchy and irritated my cuts, but I didn't really have an alternative now - it wasn't as though I could afford to buy a new one.

_"Remus!"_

I gasped in horror and for a second, I thought I was having a heart attack - they'd come for me, they were going to kill me, but then-

"Up here, silly!"

It was Lily's voice.

Putting one hand over my thumping heart to steady myself, and sighing in relief, I turned to see Lily sneaking down the steps towards me. She looked me up and down, taking in the new shirt, and worry creased her forehead. "Is he okay?" she whispered, jerking her head through the dorm door.

I hesitated, then took her hand and dragged her down in to the Common Room. It was late - through the window, the velvet sky was spangled with stars, a half moon casting an ethereal, silver glow over the grounds, and I suppressed a shudder; some people thought the moon was beautiful, to me, it represented pain and lack of control.

The Common Room was almost empty - a few Fifth Years were huddled round tables attempting to finish essays, a Second Year had fallen asleep in front of the fire, and James and Peter were in the corner, poring over the Marauder's Map. James had been speaking, but he paused when I looked at him, then looked away with an almost guilty expression.

"What happened, Remus?" Lily asked urgently.

"I don't know..." Lily had come in to the Common Room about ten minutes after Sirius had broken down, and immediately volunteered to help me get him upstairs, to avoid the looks the other Gryffindors were giving us. "He just suddenly burst in to tears, and he kept mumbling stuff about his family and shame, and...I don't know, Lily. He said he'd had an argument with James...about...about you."

Lily, who had been listening with an unreadable expression until now, suddenly looked awkward and blushed. I watched her carefully, but she didn't say anything, instead she rearranged her features in to a neutral expression. "What about me?" she asked, keeping her voice calm.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Lily. Come on. You _have_ to stop ignoring James - you can't just-"

_"Don't tell me what I have to do, Remus,"_ she hissed, her voice dripping with menace.

I didn't flinch, "Lily, please. I don't get it - if you don't like him, just tell him. What have you got to lose?"

For a moment, I really thought she was going to hit me. But then she slumped slightly, and wrapped her arms around her chest, looking vulnerable and small. "But I _do_ like him, Rems. That's the problem.."

I stared at her. "Okay...you say that like it makes sense, but I don't-"

"I'm scared, Remus! I've never felt like this about anyone! And he's always such a jerk, I don't know if he feels the same way, and if he doesn't, I can't handle knowing that he was just messing me around-"

Tears had sprung up in her eyes, and I quickly pulled her in to a hug. "Lily, I promise you, he does feel that way. He does nothing except talk about you, about how beautiful you are, about how you're his future wife.."

She gave a watery chuckle at this, and pulled away, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "And," I pressed on, sensing a victory, "yes, he is a complete jerk. He's even worse than Sirius." She laughed again. "But think about it, that's what all the other girls like - it's worked on everyone else, he can't figure out why you're different. It's just his way of dealing with his nerves around you. So...so, if you could _please_ just give him a chance, then-"

"Fine," she said, a smile spreading across her face, lighting up her exquisite emerald eyes. "I will."

I beamed at her, relief washing over me. She shook her head slowly. "What would we do without you, Remus?" she asked quietly. Not knowing what to say, I kept quiet, but she leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Thank you, Rems," she whispered, and then she was gone.

She reached the staircase, turned back and hesitated, before shooting a tentative smile in James' direction - he had been not-so-subtly watching her cross the room. Amazement crossed his face, but then he grinned back.

_Finally,_ I thought to myself, as I gently shook the Second Year awake, and half carried them up to their dormitory. Now I just needed to work out what was wrong with Sirius...

* * *

**A****uthor's Note:**

Okay, the ending was a bit rubbish, but what did you think? Please, guys, the more you review, the more motivated I am to write, so please let me know! I've already started writing the next chapter, so I'll post it at some point over the next week or so - it's going to get more interesting, I promise :-)

Thank you for reading, and sorry for any mistakes! xox


	8. Chapter 8

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

You guys are the best. You're all so supportive and I love you all so, so much, so thank you to everyone who's favourited or followed! And a massive thank you to **missalexwhitlock123, TechNomaNcer28, haze1982, Thrae Elddim, Shadowhunter426, N, starwarsfreak95, ferret assassin nin, Hopeful Rays, Feltaryn, Rusiric, TheImpOfThePerverse** and the** three guest reviewers**! You guys are so, so amazing, and your reviews really made me smile :-)

Much love for** Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

This chapter hasn't been beta-ed, but I figured I owed you all an update, sorry for the long wait, I've been insanely busy! But it's the summer holidays soon, and I'm hoping to finish this over the break! :-D In the mean time, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and I apologise for any mistakes! :-)

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

_It was dark. So dark I could barely see my hand in front of my face, let alone the rest of the room. But I didn't need to - I'd been here so many times before, I knew this place far better than I would have liked._

_I drew my arms around my knees, pulling them tight to my chest, desperately trying to control my breathing and slow my thumping heart, but it was no good. Because I knew what was lurking in the dark - I wasn't alone._

_A scuffle from somewhere behind me - I shivered, slipping my arms tighter around my chest; it felt like a thick rope was slowly being tightened around my body, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't-_

_There was a face._

_Or rather, a white shape peering at me out of the gloom - its empty sockets where there should have been eyes, a gaping hole instead of a mouth, and an otherwise featureless face._

_I screamed and recoiled, as the sound shattered the ethereal silence, and the face vanished._

_My heart was beating so hard and fast, it sent stabbing pains through my chest; even as I attempted to take deeper breaths, it was as though they were being squeezed out again._

_Suddenly, a familiar chill was seeping through my cloak - I had maybe seconds before-_

Worthless.

Freak.

Repulsive.

_It had started. A soft, rasping voice was forcing itself in to my head - a low hiss contrasting sharply to the cruelty of the words. It grated against my skull, and I winced as it sent ripples of pain through my head._

Monster.

Kill yourself.

_More voices now - they echoed each other, starting up a rhythmic, malicious chant, egging each other on. I took a shaky breath, trying not to lose it completely as the pain steadily intensified with each new voice._

Fucking disgusting.

Mudblood.

Weak.

_I tried to cover my ears - block out the voices, anything to help me to continue to deny the truth I knew they were speaking._It's not true - stop it, _I told myself angrily, but it was no good. It_was _true. I dug my fingernails tighter in to my sides, as though I could somehow hold myself together even though inside I was falling apart. I let out a dry sob, as the voices grew louder still._

_Then I noticed the glow. A soft, silver light swelling in the centre of the room, bathed everything in grey._

_Everything, including the five shadowy figures standing like judges opposite me._

_I stifled my sob of horror, and forced down the cry of panic that rose once more in my throat. Ice seemed to claw at my stomach, and I suddenly had the ominous feeling that they were waiting for something._

_The black cloaks they wore brushed the floor, but their hoods were down to reveal that they all had the same empty eye sockets, pale skin and gaping black holes instead of mouths. I felt my strength slowly draining out of my body, fear seizing control of everything, and the room grew colder still as they sucked air in with that awful, grating gasp._

_"Choose."_

_The middle creature spoke, and I flinched. It was a human voice, albeit one completely devoid of any warmth or pity. It wasn't at all what I'd been expecting in this hell of a nightmare._

_I opened my mouth to speak, to ask what they wanted from me - anything, but then the source of the light in the centre of the room burned with a fierce intensity, and the little scrap of bravery I had left vanished. Two beams of light shot out and split, landing either side of me._

_Shakily, I lifted my gaze back up to the people, and cried out in shock when I saw that they were suddenly much closer to me - close enough to see the icy steam clinging to their robes and curling upwards._

_"Choose," they repeated, this time in unison._

_I hesitated, then glanced left. Horror dropped in to my stomach as I stared at the object. It was a knife - my knife. Its silver blade shimmered as the trails of light slowly flickered, then died. What was it doing here? Already, I could feel the need building up inside me, if I could just make one slit, maybe some of the pressure suffocating me would be lifted? I was reaching towards it before I realised what I was doing, and forced myself to look away. Towards the other 'choice.'_

_There was another creature standing there, only this one was smaller and skinnier than the others. Its robes were hanging off it, and its face was completely shadowed by the overly-big hood. I stared back at the creatures, my panic slowly being replaced confusion and fear._

_"Who are you?" I asked desperately, hating the way my voice shook. But they said nothing, they simply watched me - at least, that's what I assumed they were doing, by the way their faces were pointed down at me. I glanced around the room - a rough, stone floor, four walls that were blank save the empty candle brackets. There was no door, I was completely trapped._

_"What do you want from me?" I tried again, choking on the words._

_Nothing. I took a deep breath, ignoring the spasms of pain in my chest, and moved towards the creature on my right. I couldn't choose the knife. If I did, I knew I didn't have the willpower to resist slitting my wrists open once more, and I was_not_going to do that here. Not in front of these creatures._

_I staggered towards the creature, and looked up at its hood. For a second, nothing happened, and I actually allowed myself to believe that nothing would happen._

_Then the creature clamped a bony, pale hand around my throat and slammed me against the wall. Pain shot through my back, and white spots flared in my vision, as the little breath I had left in my lungs was lost._

_I squeezed my eyes shut, as the creature drew a long, thin arm backwards._

_I was going to die here. It was going to either strangle me or beat me to death, and either way, I was powerless to stop it._

_But instead of the blow I was expecting, I was dropped back on to the floor, causing me to immediately press myself against the wall - as though I could make myself small enough to not be seen. I gulped down the air; too busy rejoicing that I could breathe once more, to question why it had stopped._

_The voices started up again. Only now I could see the creatures, their monstrous mouths were stretched in to awful smiles as they chanted -_faggot, bastard, nobody wants you_._

_Stop it, stop it, stop it. Tears welled in my eyes, and I fought in vain to stop them from rolling down my cheeks._

_I looked back at the creature in front of me. There was a wand pointing directly at my heart._

_"Wha-?" I began._

_"Crucio!"_

_Pain like I'd never known it._

_Screams echoed around the room, but there was nothing in my head except the absolute agony searing through my body. It was like being slowly crushed, but at the same time my skin was being stabbed repeatedly by white-hot knives. I barely associated the sobs and shouts for mercy as my own, but just as I thought I had surely died - for only Hell could make me suffer like this - it stopped._

_I lay, panting on the floor, too weak to even raise my head. The creatures towered above me, their mouths stretched in to terrible smirks._

_"Now end him."_

_I don't know which one spoke, but the smallest creature was shoved forward; I could do nothing. I felt drained, like never before - this was worse than after a transformation, I could only stare in numb horror at the skinny figure pointing its wand straight at my heart._

_The creature raised its wand, and that was when it happened._

_Its hood slipped and its face was revealed. I gasped as I took in its horribly familiar features - everything from the long, hooked nose, to the straggly black hair, to the dark, malicious eyes._

_"Avada Kedavra!" shouted Severus Snape._

* * *

I awoke with a muffled scream, and tried to sit upright, fumbling with the cocoon of blankets wrapped tightly around me. Gasping for air, I hurled the sheets away, and sank back against the mattress. Pain shot through my chest as I inhaled - I was on the brink of a massive panic attack.

It had never been that bad before. I hugged my chest tightly, struggling to control my breathing, as the nightmare replayed itself over and over again. That in itself was unusual - normally, the details slipped away almost as soon as I woke up screaming, like water through cupped hands. But it had felt so vivid.

Oh God, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe-

I forced myself to breathe in, my head swimming as I pushed against the metal band closing around my chest. In - out. It felt like hours, (but in reality, it can only have been ten minutes), before my desperate gasps had turned in to quiet wheezes, and the metal band had loosened.

The awful faces kept swimming in to my mind. They were so Dementor-like, yet also so familiar. I loathed Dementors - as of yet, I was still unable to produce a decent Patronus, and the only time I had seen one, the foul creature had forced me to relive some of my worst transformations until Sirius had rescued me. I shuddered as I remembered the utterly chilling sensation and the sense of complete hopelessness.

And then there was Snape.

As difficult as I found it, to believe that Snape would actually kill me, I couldn't help but feel that he did have every reason to hate me. For one, I was a werewolf, and as if that wasn't enough, I could have killed him last year. Not only that, but I was friends with some of the people who made his life a complete misery - whilst it was true that I had never actually joined in mocking him, I hadn't ever done anything to stop it either. I knew he was anti-werewolf. I was pretty sure he was homophobic too – more than half the Slytherins were. Was it him sending the notes? Did he really hate me that much?

Then again, I shouldn't jump to conclusions based off a dream - it was just a nightmare. That was all. But as much as I told myself it wasn't true, I couldn't shake off the ominous feeling that it _was_him.

Shuddering, I glanced across at Sirius' pocket watch, which was dangling from his bedside table, and groaned as I realised I'd been asleep for less than two hours. There was no way I would be able to go back to sleep, so instead, I struggled out of bed, wrapping the blankets around me, and padded down to the Common Room.

It was completely deserted. The fire's still-glowing embers bathed the room in red-orange light, and I sank in front of it in an attempt to keep warm. I lost track of time as I gazed in to the coals, only jerking out of the trance when they finally collapsed in to ashes.

My bruises were throbbing, and had turned an interesting mushy pea green colour, flecked with purple and blue. I ran a finger over the fresh cuts from yesterday; the blood had congealed, turning all gross and sticky, but I made no effort to clean them. I was past the point of caring, they could get infected for all I cared. I slid my hand under my pyjama top, and brushed my fingers against my hip bone, tracing the letters spelling out the word_disaster_; a word that summed me up entirely.

Scuffles from upstairs made me jump, and I realised that if other students were getting up, it would almost be considered an acceptable time to go to breakfast. I staggered to my feet and stumbled back up to the dormitory, closing my eyes as my head throbbed painfully, reminding me of the fact that I'd had barely two hours sleep. I had always loathed Mondays - it was the day when the bullying had always been worst, as the Slytherins could spend the weekend plotting more ways to make my life hell. And this Monday was going to be even worse than usual, I could feel it already.

There was the sound of movement from James' bed as I dressed at top speed. I didn't want to face any of them right now – especially not Sirius, because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the awkwardness of the conversation we were going to have to have at some point. I glanced over at him as I ran a hand through my hair, and felt my heart lift slightly at the patch of drool beneath his cheek from where he'd clearly dribbled in the night.

"Rem…us?" James groaned from behind his curtains. "Is that you?"

I didn't reply, darting out of the dormitory and straight through the Fat Lady in to the deserted corridors. My footsteps echoed loudly as I walked through the long dimly lit passages, creating an oddly tense atmosphere, as though I was walking towards my death. The familiar sensation of someone watching swept over me.

I spun around, fully expecting to see Snape standing there, but instead I caught a glimpse of a silvery white figure seemingly melting through the wall; it was just a ghost.

Forcing myself to remain calm, I quickened my pace, reaching the Great Hall in under ten minutes. I swung the doors open quietly – even though it was unlikely that there would be anybody else here, I didn't want to disturb anything. The four long tables were half filled with food, and I headed to Gryffindor's without even glancing around. It was only as I was pouring a goblet of pumpkin juice that I realised – _I was not alone_.

I raised my head, staring across the room. Almost directly opposite me, was the last person I wanted to see. Snape smirked as I flinched, fixing me with that dark glare that I was sure he reserved specially for me, and try as I might, I couldn't stop my fingers from trembling as I raised the cup to my lips. I lowered it again, biting my lip as I realised just how pathetic I looked right now.

I tried to focus on the stack of bacon on my plate, but I found I had completely lost my appetite. The food was like cardboard, tough and tasteless, and I choked as I tried to force it down. _Don't look at him,_I told myself, clenching my nails in to my palm to stop them from shaking so badly. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Snape stood abruptly, and my fork clattered on to the golden plate as I recoiled in surprise. He swept out of the Hall, sparing me a last, malicious glower over his shoulder. I took a deep, calming breath the second he was out of the door - it was stupid to get so worked up about it, I knew that, but I couldn't help myself. I picked up the goblet again, gulping down a couple of mouthfuls of the juice.

And then I felt my heart plummet as I stared at the parchment that had just fluttered off the table in to my lap.

_Not again. Not now. Don't read it._

But it was an automatic reaction. I reached for it, tensing as I prepared myself for the message inside. But that didn't stop the screaming inside my head, or control the way my breathing was suddenly coming in short, sharp gasps as I scanned the paper. It fluttered to the floor as I felt my fingers go numb with horror.

_We're coming for you._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

So...what did you think? Please let me know, it means so much to know that you've taken the time to review, and I'll try and update soon!

This chapter was kinda difficult for me to write, the nightmare comes from personal experience, with a Harry Potter twist, but I hope it reads okay and all.

Urm... also, I have tumblr now! So, if you have any advice or questions, then feel free to follow little-old-rachel! I'll probably post some preview stuff on there so yeah...and there's Twitter too :-) ** Littleoldme_xox**

Thanks for reading! Please make my day and leave a review letting me know what you think! :-) xox


	9. Chapter 9

TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF HARM. Please don't read if you think it might trigger you.

**Author's Note:**

I'm back! And I owe you all a huge apology, I'm sorry for the huge amount of time it took me to update - I've been on holiday and I was struggling with some other stuff, but I did update on my twitter and tumblr that I was sorry, and I wouldn't be posting for a while.. So I'm sorry for the lack of activity, I hope this makes up for it!

Thank you so much for following/favouriting and extra love to **Firenze Fox**, **Thrae Elddim**, **TechNomaNcer28**, **6purplecats**, **Charlie Moosefeather**, **Aelan013**, and **ShadoweTheWolf**, and an extra special thank you to **Feltaryn** for being my fiftieth reviewer! I love you all so much, you're unbelievably supportive, and your reviews have really made me feel better, so thank you so much for taking the time to review, it really made me smile :-)))

This chapter is horribly depressing and maybe a little confusing, I apologise, also sorry for any mistakes..I don't like this chapter at all, but let me know what you think please! :-))

Much love for **Empty-Frames**, who has so kindly let me use their amazing drawing for the cover picture - check out their deviantArt, it's so so good! Thank you! :-)

**Beta: **Thank you so much **Sirius1994** - you're fabulous, and I couldn't do this without your support so thank you :-))) She persuaded me that this chapter was worth uploading, so send her love ;-)

**Disclaimer:** As much I wish I owned Harry Potter, it belongs to the amazing JK Rowling :-)

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

I hurried through the near-empty corridors, my heart fluttering with nerves every time I rounded a corner. It would have been more sensible to move with the morning traffic - to hide in amongst the groups of students heading in every different direction to their various lessons.

But like the idiot I was, I had completely lost track of time, curled in a corner of the library; my safe haven, (with a fascinating book on the different types of pixie, and where they could be found) and I had missed the bell signalling the start of lessons. Which was why I was now running through the school, already eleven minutes late for class.

Much to my surprise, I managed to make it to the dungeons without meeting anyone, and slipped in to the classroom as quietly as possible. Professor Slughorn and the entire class looked round as I shut the door behind me with a soft snap, and I felt my cheeks flushing immediately at all the attention. I caught Lily's eye - she mouthed something at me, looking concerned, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Sirius was also trying to attract my attention, his eyes crinkled in the corners with worry.

"Back to work please, class," called Slughorn, and then added in a softer tone, "Mr Lupin, a word please?"

I took a deep breath, and moved in front of his desk, fully expecting a detention, or at least a reprimand for my tardiness, but one didn't come. Instead, he waited until the rest of the class had begun chatting again, and then focused both large, green-grey eyes on my face, adopting a fatherly expression.

He sighed deeply. "Are you all right, my boy?"

I blinked in surprise, and then forced a smile. "Of course, sir..why wouldn't I be?" I was pretty impressed with myself at how normal I sounded, but Slughorn looked less than convinced.

"Well, my boy, you haven't been yourself lately - you've been late for lessons, missing homework deadlines - we don't want you becoming like...well, like your good friends Misters Black, Potter and Pettigrew." It was clearly meant to be a joke, but as Peter and Sirius had chosen this moment to levitate objects in the air and on to each other's heads, I found it difficult not to agree with him.

"And of late, you have been even quieter than usual-" I opened my mouth to protest, but Slughorn ignored me. "I was talking to Professor McGonagall about it, and she completely agrees with me. As your Head of House, she will likely arrange a meeting with you soon, but in the mean time, I feel obliged to ask, is there anything bothering you?"

I had no idea what to say. Yes, I liked Slughorn, he was a great teacher, and he'd always been kind to me - he never forced me to answer questions in class, instead recognising that I knew the answer even if I was too shy to share it. Potions wasn't one of my strongest subjects - but I still enjoyed it, and whilst I had never been one of the elite invited to the Slug Club, he still seemed to like me as a pupil.

But despite all that, he must have surely realised that there was no way I would tell him what was wrong? I was even less likely to tell him than McGonagall, and I groaned inwardly at the thought of sitting through a meeting with her asking all sorts of awkward questions. I knew they were just trying to help, but I really wished they would just leave me alone - it was complicated enough without lying to them as well.

Slughorn was still talking, rustling around on his desk, and I forced myself out of my thoughts to watch him place a stack of my Potions essays in front of me. "This was the start of the year." He pointed at the thick stack of essays, each page filled with squashed writing, all graded 'Outstanding' or 'Exceeds Expectations.' "Then before Christmas," he gestured at the middle pile, which were mainly 'E's and 'Acceptable's, with a few marked 'Poor - see me' in red. Of course, I hadn't gone to see him. "But these are your last five essays, Remus, and I'm afraid, these grades simply aren't good enough if you want to be succeed in your N.E.W.T.s."

I sifted through the essays - Poor, Dreadful, Dreadful, Dreadful, Troll.

_Troll_.

I lowered my eyes in shame, feeling the flush rising once more. I had _never_ got Troll before.

Slughorn seemed to take pity on me, because he patted my arm gently, unwittingly brushing against the fresh cuts on my wrist. I struggled to keep a neutral expression at pain flared through my forearm, and instead withdrew my hands in to my lap.

"Ah well, you know where I am, if you need to talk to someone," Slughorn said, with a smile that he had clearly tried not to make too patronising, but failed anyway.

I nodded, "thank you, sir." I was more relieved that he hadn't given me a detention for my lateness than anything else, but any good feeling evaporated seconds later, as Slughorn continued-

"This lesson, I thought we'd have a little competition," Slughorn's expression was gleeful, as he rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, "to produce the best Shrinking Solution! As you can see, everybody is working in pairs.."

My heart sank immediately. I _could_ see - Sirius and Peter seemed to have given up already, but they were clearly a pair. Everybody was paired up with their friends - except Snape. Fear settled in my stomach at the thought of being made to work with _him_ - even the sight of James and Lily chatting and laughing as the cauldron in front of them hissed and steamed, couldn't expel my worry.

"Can I work in a three?" I blurted out, cutting across Slughorn's ramblings. He looked surprised for a brief moment, then his face changed in to a kindly, yet stern expression.

"No, my boy. You will work with Mr Snape - consider it an incentive to come to lessons on time." He placed a hand on the small of my back, and propelled me in the direction of the last person on Earth I wanted to see right now.

Sirius caught my arm as I dragged myself towards Snape, who was huddled over his cauldron, ignoring everything around him. "Rems - do you want me to-?"

He had clearly heard everything. I shook my head, cutting across him. I didn't know whether he was going to offer to swap, to ask Slughorn, anything, but I knew the Potions master wouldn't allow it.

Instead, I slipped in to the seat, as far away as possible from Snape as I could get, and pulled out my battered copy of the text book.

Snape raised his head and peered down his nose at me. My hands were shaking uncontrollably, and even as I clenched them to stop them trembling, he smirked at me in a way that made my stomach clench with fear.

"So..." he drawled. "You decided to show your ugly face at last.."

I ignored him, focusing on my textbook - but the words had gone oddly blurry around the edges. His words stung - no matter how much I believed it, hearing someone else confirm it made it even worse. "Is there anything you'd like me to do?" My voice wavered a little, but otherwise you wouldn't be able to tell that my insides were quivering like jelly.

"If you think you can manage to without messing up as badly as you normally do, then peel this Shrivelfig." He gestured at the purple plant lying on the table, and I hesitated before speaking next.

"But..Severus, the book says to-"

"Just shut up and get on with it, freak."

In front of us, I saw Sirius' back stiffen, and I knew he'd heard, and I prayed silently he wouldn't turn around and confront Snape. I could _not_ afford to get on the wrong side of him right now. Miraculously, Peter managed to distract him again by levitating a rat spleen on to his nose, and I fought to keep a straight face as Sirius spun round to him, half-laughing, half-cursing.

"Sorry, Lupin, if I'd know you too retarded to peel a Shrivelfig, I would have given you something more simple - here, count out four spleens, if you think you can manage it."

I clenched my fist, feeling the anger surfacing inside me. I was so sick of everything today, and I really wasn't in the mood to deal with Snape's comments on top of everything else. But I took a deep breath, forcing down the sassy retort that I so desperately wanted to hurl back at him.

"Then again, what can you expect from someone like you? You wouldn't make a dog do this stuff, really what's the difference?" Snape's eyes were glimmering with malice - he wanted me to react, so instead, I kept my eyes down on the Shrivelfig, though I wasn't really seeing it anymore, all fear replaced by rage.

"What? Aren't you going to tell your precious _Black_, so he can rush to the rescue? That's what you do isn't it? Feed off no-hoper, good for nothing-"

THWACK!

My fist connected hard with the side of his face, and he jerked backwards, straight off his seat, colliding hard with the floor. He looked up, wearing an expression of almost comical surprise.

"Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! Stop mouthing of me, stop mouthing of my friends, stop sending those notes, just stop!"

I barely registered that the voice shouting was me; I'd never heard anyone so angry. My hand was stinging from where I'd contacted with Snape's face, and I saw, satisfaction spreading through my body, there was a blotchy, red mark spreading across his cheek.

I turned back towards my desk, though I didn't remember jumping to my feet, feeling completely elated, only to see the entire class and Slughorn staring at me, some with their mouths open, in complete silence. Snape was pushing himself in to a sitting position, confusion flitting across his face as he stared up at me.

Shame spread through my body like wildfire as I realised what I'd just done. I took a step backwards, feeling a flush spreading up from my neck. All pleasure had evaporated, I felt horribly empty - I was no better than any of the bullies.

"I-I'm so-I'm sorry," I stuttered, feeling sick with guilt. Tears filled my eyes -_ he was going to kill me now_.

I let out a muffled sob, pressing a hand over my mouth, turned and sprinted straight out of the room. I heard Slughorn call after me, but I didn't stop running. Tears coursed down my cheeks - what the hell was wrong with me?

The door of the bathroom creaked suddenly, and I started, looking up in panic, but there was nobody there. Not even Myrtle. I swallowed, and shuffled even further in to the shadows, clutching the slippery knife in my bloody fingers.

I was an idiot. A mess. A disaster.

_Why_ did I hit the one person who wanted me dead? And why did I do it in the middle of a class? Everyone already thought I was losing it - which wasn't too far from the truth. I let out another sob, this time not even trying to stifle it, and turned my wrist to face upwards once more. I ran the tip of the blade along the length of my arm once tracing some of my oldest scars, then pressed down, hissing and wincing as the knife carved through my skin. Blood spilled out of the cut, running in crimson stripes down my arm.

But it wasn't working.

There was none of the usual relief that came with my cutting. If anything, I felt even worse, because really, what was I doing with my life? When had I become so dependent on hurting myself that I resorted to _this_, every time some tiny little thing went wrong? Because this wasn't worth it - I wasn't worth it. God, I'd never wished I was dead more than I did now, and the fact that I knew I wasn't strong enough just to end it made the pain even worse. The voices seemed to stir in the back of my mind, and whispers of _freak_, _fucktard _and _filthy animal_ echoed through my brain. It would be so easy though - one slit that was too fast, too deep, and that was all it would take.

_So why couldn't I do it?_

I pressed my face in to both hands, shaking with barely concealed sobs.

"Lupin?"

I stiffened and looked up in horror. I knew that voice. Fear flooded my body, and I froze, paralysed by panic, as I met Severus Snape's eyes.

What did I do? He had seen me cutting. The implications of this seemed to take forever to pass through my brain. Far too late, I dropped the knife, and curled inwards on myself, pulling my sleeves back down, desperately trying to shield myself from his cruel gaze. But he'd already seen my cuts. A voice inside my head was screaming with panic, because _he'd seen them_. He knew about my cutting, and no magic was going to stop him from spreading what a freak I was to the rest of the school. Especially not since I'd hit him less than an hour ago. Instead of pride, all I felt was shame as I glanced up at his blotched, red cheek.

Tears had escaped my eyelids, and were now trickling down my cheeks. _Pathetic_, hissed the voice, and I pressed my hands over my face, waiting for it - for the mocking to begin, for him to hit me, to be honest, anything that I might have deserved - but nothing came. I tentatively raised my head, and then stifled a gasp as I saw that, instead, Snape was sinking to the ground next to me. I watched incredulously as he wrapped his arms around his legs, and brought his knees up to his chest - like mine were.

What was going on? Why wasn't he screaming at me? Or cursing me? Or beating me up - I knew he was more than capable of all of these things, but he didn't even have his wand out. I waited for him to say something, but as the silence stretched longer and longer, it became increasingly obvious he wasn't going to break it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly, keeping my voice as even as possible and tugging my sleeves nervously. Blood was seeping through the fabric of my robes, and the knife lay abandoned a few feet away, its handle slimy with blood. The fact that Snape of all people had seen me cutting filled me with a shame greater than anything I had experienced - I didn't know how to begin to explain myself; I had never envisaged being caught, and especially not by my worst enemy.

Snape glanced across at me, then back at the floor. "I could ask you the same question. Why are you doing that to yourself?" His voice lacked any of the spite that had been there half an hour earlier - he sounded genuinely curious.

There was a pause as I tried to figure out why he cared. Although my heart rate had finally gone back to its normal pace, I didn't trust him to not spill my secret the second he left the room. And I was still half-convinced he was going to start hitting me or something, _this wasn't right_.

"..I, uh, I don't know," I whispered honestly. Why _was _I doing this to myself? It didn't make me feel better anymore, it certainly wasn't healthy-

He contemplated me for a second, completely expressionless. His eyes weren't judging like I'd expected, which was something at least.

"Can I see them?" he asked, nodding at my wrists.

The question threw me - "what?! No, God, no, I don't want-"

He didn't say anything for a second, then he grasped the edge of his sleeve, and yanked it up to reveal a thin, pale arm. I stopped spluttering indignantly and looked back up at him in confusion, unsure exactly what I was supposed to be looking at.

"Look closer," he said, clearly fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

I stared back at his arm, and suddenly, I could make out the thin, white lines, crisscrossing each other. They were so faded against his pale skin that they were almost invisible, but I recognised them almost immediately.

"Why, I don't-"

Snape sighed impatiently, and scowled, but when he spoke, his voice was soft, and he didn't meet my eyes. "When I was a child, my dad used to hit me. It was...my way of coping, I guess."

I gazed at him in horror, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea.." Guilt flooded through me as I remembered all the times we, the Marauders, had mocked him and made his life miserable. All the while, he had been getting abuse at home as well, it explained why he was so defensive about his family - and tears started in my eyes as I realised what he must think of us. "I'm so sorry, honestly, if I'd known... I would never have.." I trailed off, I had no idea what to say.

On the one hand, he wanted me dead. And yet at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to hate someone who had been through the same things I had, who hated themselves as much as I did. Snape was watching my face carefully, and despite his confident, arrogant smirk, his eyes were flickering with anxiety.

"I don't understand. Why are you..why are you telling me this?" I said eventually, shuffling to face him now.

Snape really did roll his eyes this time, looking exasperated. "Everyone makes out like you're some super brainy student, but you could fool me." I ignored the comment, and Snape continued, clearly forcing himself to sound less obnoxious.

"Look.. Lupin, I don't know what's driven you to do this. And I'm not going to ask if you don't want to tell me. But I do know that it's not worth it. Not at all. Which is why I'm going to ask you to stop. Before it goes too far and you..kill yourself or something.." He finished with an awkward shrug, looking slightly embarrassed, but I suddenly felt incredibly pissed off at him once more.

"Well, you'd like that wouldn't you?" My voice came out much harsher than I had intended, and Snape recoiled in surprise.

"..Like what?"

"Me to kill myself," I said angrily, jumping to my feet. "At least, it would mean you wouldn't have to do it yourself, right?"

"Lupin, what in Merlin's name are you talking about?!"

"The notes, Snape! The notes. I know it's you sending them!" I was yelling now, I didn't really give a damn who heard me either. "You want me dead, don't try and deny it!"

Snape looked up at me from the floor, total confusion in his eyes. "This is the second time you've mentioned these notes, and I honest to God have no idea what you're talking about, I swear. No, wait-" he raised a hand, as I made to interrupt him. "I promise I don't know what you're talking about, and I would _never_ wish _you_ dead."

I glared at him sceptically, and he shrugged with a half-smile, "Potter or Black maybe. But you've never actually done anything to hurt me. True, you haven't stopped it either-" I looked down in shame, "but you're a coward. I can accept that. But I swear, I'm not sending you notes, or anything."

I flushed, looking down, feeling my anger dissipate as quickly as sand slipping through cupped hands. How could I have got it all so wrong? Because I believed him, I really did. Which made me feel all the worse for having hit him. I felt the crushing sadness rise up inside me again at how badly I'd fucked everything up, coupled with the panic, because now I had no idea who was sending the notes again..

"What did you mean..about the notes?" Snape asked cautiously, rising to stand next to me.

Wordlessly, I dug in my pocket, and pulled out some scraps of paper. Goodness knows why I'd taken to carrying them around with me. They were so crumpled from being opened and screwed up countless times, the ink on them had faded in to the paper. But the messages were still readable. I knelt to pick up my knife that lay abandoned on the floor, and was slipping it in to my pocket when Snape let out an audible gasp.

"Lup- Remus. I don't...what?" His eyes were wide with horror; he held the notes as if they were poisonous, thrusting them back towards me. "Who would do something like that?"

"I don't know," I whispered, biting my lip. My voice wobbled dangerously, but Snape didn't seem to care about that. "I was so convinced it was-"

"Me," Snape finished, a sad expression settling on his pale, sharp features.

I nodded, not able to look him in the eyes anymore. "I'm sorry."

Snape shook his head. "Don't. I didn't exactly give you reason to think otherwise. But Remus, I really think you should tell someone about this-"

I was shaking my head, even before he'd finished talking. "I can't. I shouldn't even have told you, I just.. I just..they said they'd kill me if I told, and I.."

To my absolute horror, I began sobbing again. Not quietly this time either, but horrible, ragged gasps, tears pouring down my face as the seriousness of the situation swept over me. Severus made to step towards me, looking awkward but concerned, but at that moment, the door of the bathroom banged open loudly, and Sirius stood there, his face like thunder.

"Get the fuck away from him," he yelled. his eyes flashing angrily, and he raised his wand, pointing straight at Severus' chest.

* * *

**Sirius Black**

Remus was standing there, tears streaming from those gorgeous eyes, looking absolutely terrified and vulnerable. My heart cracked in my chest to see him looking so scared; I wanted nothing more than to hold him tightly and promise everything would be all right. But instead, I tore my gaze from his beautiful face and towards the disgusting, ugly creep threatening him.

"Get the fuck away from him." I was shocked at how hard and angry my voice sounded.

"Siri-" choked out Remus, furiously wiping his eyes. "Sir-Sirius, it's not like that, he-"

I ignored him, knowing full well that no matter what someone did to him, Remus would still defend them, meaning his input right now was as useful as a chocolate teapot.

"Don't tell me what to do, Black," Snape spat back, looking just as angry as I felt. He drew his wand as well, but left it pointing at the floor, instead fixing me with a dark look.

"Both of you, please-please stop," Remus cried, moving towards me, and pulling at my robes in an attempt to get my attention. "Sirius, it's not what it looks like, I-"

Both of us ignored him. The tension in the room was unbearable, yet neither of us wanted to be the one to fire the first hex. He was skilled in duelling, goodness knows how many Dark Magic spells he knew, but I was quicker.

I don't know how much time passed with us just staring at each other in angry anticipation, whilst Remus begged and pleaded with us to stop, but finally, I cracked.

"_Cruc-_"

"Sirius, STOP!" Remus screamed, throwing himself in front of my wand, causing my words to die in my throat. "Please?" he mumbled in a smaller voice, tears trickling down his cheeks once more.

I stared at him for a moment, feeling completely disgusted with myself. I had done this. I had made this beautiful boy cry. This was my fault. I didn't have a clue what I'd interrupted between the two of them, but I'd clearly totally fucked up again. It had been chaos when Remus had run out of the classroom; it took Slughorn at least five minutes to regain control, and by the time he had, Snape had gone too. A quick look at the Marauders' Map showed me exactly where Remus was, but by the time the lesson ended and Slughorn finally let us go, a small dot labelled 'Severus Snape' had joined him in the third floor bathroom. Remembering the bruises across Remus' back, I panicked instantly and ran off to rescue him from Snivellus, but clearly, I'd got it wrong again.

Finley, I could understand. He was attractive and popular and he clearly cared about Remus more than anything else in the world. But _Snape_? The guy who had made Remus' life a misery for the last six years? The one who was responsible for telling the Slytherins his secret? That stung. No, it was more than that, it was like a blunt nail was puncturing straight through my heart, because I suddenly couldn't breathe.

I was _not_ going to have another breakdown here, and especially not in front of Remus, who was now watching me with increasing concern in his eyes. I forced myself to focus on a spot on his nose, and twisted my mouth in to an expression I hoped was less pathetic, and more friendly.

"Sorry 'bout that!" I said, trying to sound jovial as I glanced at Snape. He ignored me, instead looking at Remus. His forehead was creased with worry, and his hands were twisting nervously in front of his robes, as though he wanted to say something, but couldn't because I was there. "Urm..Remus, Finley was looking for you."

It was a lie, I hadn't even seen the stupid bugger today, but I was sure he would be, he was sickeningly revolved around him like that. _Can you blame him though?_ I thought quietly, watching Remus mutter something incomprehensible to Snape, before following me out of the room.

The silence grew in awkwardness between us as we made our way downstairs; Remus was staring at the floor, his arms folded tightly around his chest. I opened my mouth to speak-

"Sirius, what the hell-"

"Remus, what just happ-"

"Sorry," we said in unison, then Remus bit his lip and smiled.

"You first," he said, looking up at my face.

"I just...what was going on in there, Remus? And what the hell happened in class?! You hit Snape, and then you defended the wanker? I don't get it, I-"

"I was wrong about him, Sirius..we all were," Remus' face was earnest, but he was twisting his hands nervously as though he expected me to blow up again at any minute. Was he _scared_ of me? "And he..I don't know, he's just not what I thought he was.."

"What about Finley?" My voice was hard and cold, and I regretted even opening my mouth, when hurt flickered across Remus' face.

"What about him? What d'you mean?"

"Forget it, Remus, just forget it." I stalked away, leaving him standing in the corridor looking utterly confused. But the hurt inside me was too much, I had no idea what was going on anymore.

All I knew was that no matter what I did, Remus was never going to choose me.

* * *

**Remus Lupin**

As I watched Sirius walk away again, there was a strange nagging sensation in my gut. There was something wrong, any fool could see that, but it was a feeling I recognised from my own experience. The hunched shoulders, the longing stares and the inability to stay in the same room as the other person were all things I knew too well from watching Sirius make out with every girl stupid enough to fall for his dodgy chat-up lines.

Jealousy?

It couldn't be though. Sirius wasn't the jealous type. And what was there to be jealous of? Unless, I stiffened as I realised what it could mean.

_Finley_. Sirius was in to _Finley_. That was why he'd been different with me lately and avoiding me, because he was annoyed at me. My stomach jolted as I realised that I had been inadvertently causing him pain, and then my heart twisted painfully too, because wasn't this just typical? Sirius was bi or gay, and he was in to my boyfriend, not me.

Frustration rose up inside me, and I found I had the urgent need to do something with my hands, anything to stop myself from tearing at my skin. But why had I ever even for a minute entertained the possibility that Sirius could love me? Because it hurt so badly that he didn't.

"Remus?" There was a hand at my elbow, and a soft, clipped voice that I recognised as Severus'.

My own ragged breathing sounded harsh and loud compared to the otherwise quiet corridor, and I turned to face what used to be my worst enemy, and now..well, now he was something like a friend.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Oh dear...I warned you it was horribly depressing.. I'm really sorry if there are mistakes or anything, but I'd love to know what you think, so pleeeease leave a review, it genuinely makes my day, I'm not even joking. Thank you for reading, you're all amazing! :-D

Take care :-) xox


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